What is a Healthy Relationship? This should make things clearer

We all know what it is like when we meet someone new, and we fall head over heels in love with them.  It does not matter what the do or say, as to you they are perfect.  However, you should always be aware of what a healthy relationship consists of.  This can keep you out of trouble.  If you know the signs before you get into a relationship this should help you to attract the type of partner that you will actually be loved and cared by, and in return you can do the same and of course live happily ever after, just like you have always dreamed………well maybe not ‘ever after’ but for a long time at least, and at least you will be happy 🙂

So what is a healthy relationship?

A healthy relationship is a relationship where you feel happy, safe and secure.  You completely trust your partner, you are not afraid of them, and they do not make unreasonable requests of you.

What makes a healthy relationship?

• Mutual respect. Do you respect each other? Do you listen and understand each others point of view? Do they know the real you and you know the real them? Can you be yourself or do you have to act like someone else.  Mutual respect is a sign of a healthy relationship.
• Trust. You are talking to a guy, laughing and joking when your partner walks by.  Do they act jealous and ask you if you are sleeping with each other/seeing each other behind his back, or do they say hi and join in the conversation, completely trusting you.  If there is trust between the two of you this is a sign of a healthy relationship.
• Honesty. This goes hand in hand with trust.  If you do not or cannot tell the truth then you cannot expect your partner to trust you.  Most people know when another person is lying, even if not straight away.  Are you open with what you are doing or who you are with or do you feel you have to cover this up from your partner.  Do you feel they know you are lying but you justify it because you feel your partner will be upset with you? If you cannot be honest this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship
• Support. In the good times and the bad.  Some people thrive on drama and are great when the going gets tough, but forget to be supportive in every day life when you need that extra encouragement to finally sign up for that college course you ve always wanted to do or take a part in a local play.  Offering support to you consistently is a sign of a healthy relationship.
• Fairness/equality. Give and take.  Do you spend as much time hanging out with his mates as you do your own, do you take turns in choosing which movie you are seeing at the cinema, or who will be making tea.  If a power struggle starts and one of you are constantly trying to get your own way then this is not fair, nor is it equal and this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
• Separate identities. In a healthy relationship, everyone needs to make compromises. But that doesn’t mean you should feel like you’re losing out on being yourself. When you started going out, you both had your own lives (families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc.) and that shouldn’t change. Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don’t, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities you love. And you also should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.
• Good communication. Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars.  You’ve probably heard lots of stuff about how men and women don’t seem to speak the same language. If something is wrong and your partner asks you, stay calm and speak to them about what is upsetting you.  There is no use in bottling up your emotions and feelings as it achieves nothing.  If you are not ready to speak, tell them you would like a little space, but you will discuss it with them shortly.  The right person for you will allow you this time to gather your thoughts and emotions.  If you can communicate effectively this is a sign of a healthy relationship.

By now you should understand what is seen as a positive, healthy relationship.  If you believe you are in one of these then a big ‘hi 5’ to the both of you and long may your happiness continue.  If you have read this and feel you may be stuck in an unhealthy relationship maybe it is time to consider if the relationship is worth taking forward.  Should you have found yourself in an abusive relationship where your partner is controlling or you have been groomed into things you are in a loving, healthy relationship, then you need to get out of it and quick.  Stay strong, find local professionals to help you and you will be ok.  Nothing in life can survive if it is toxic.

Panic & Anxiety: Stress Check

http://missfoureyes.wordpress.com/2014/02/26/the-monster/

I read an article this morning and as anxiety is something I do suffer from, especially when the going gets tough, I decided to share with you some symptoms which will help you to identify if you are stressed, and hopefully you can then take steps to chill the hell out 😉

• General fatigue
• Dry mouth
• Frustration
• Nervous coughing
• Sudden tears for no reason
• Unable to control crying outbursts
• Over reaction
• Irritability
• Binge drinking
• Talking too much
• Chain smoking
• Fiddling with your hair
• Pulling out your hair
• Sudden sweating
• Headaches
• Upset stomach
• Heartburn
• Sudden anger with little or no reason
• Sudden heart pounding or palpitations
• Muscle aches
• Overeating
• Constant feeling that this is no enough time
• Tic/twitching eyebrows or mouth
• Difficulty breathing
• Nervous coughing
• Drumming your fingers
• Tapping your foot
• Clenched jaw
• Turning red faced
• Headaches
• Feeling of expecting bad news or something bad is going to happen
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Sudden inability to express yourself
• Impatience
• Nail biting
• Constant picking fingernails or face
• Trying to do two or three things at once

It is advisable to keep a stress diary, record your feelings on a daily basis.  This is a good way to track your feeling and emotions and remember exactly how you felt.  If you are anything like me, it is likely you will feel different on almost a daily basis.  If you can recognize you are stressed this is the first step in being able to control it.

If you are stressed or suffering from anxiety, there are many ways in which you can have treatment, and not just with medication. I am personally a fan of complementary medicine such as:

• Aromatherapy, applying oils directly to skin or in oil burners (a great supportive treatment)
• Exercise, instant mood lifter.  The hardest part can be getting yourself to do the exercise.  Whether you choose to go to the gym or out for a big hike, play football, cycle or golf, as you finish the exercise you feel immediately better about yourself.  Keep trying until you find something you enjoy.
• Massage
• Hypnotherapy
• Meditation

Personally, I have found one of the best ways to help with stress is practicing yoga.  Many people believe yoga is a type of religion, but this is not true.  You practice controlled movement and stresses with breathing which I have found to be very effective.

Do not forget, if you are feeling stressed or anxious, to visit your doctor, who will be able to offer you advice and point you in the right direction for help.  It may be that there has been some life event that has initiated the symptoms and counselling may be helpful.

I really try to remember that we are only here once, we need to live our lives as much as we can.  I find it helpful to keep a gratitude diary, so that I remind myself to be thankful for the small things in life.  This keeps things in perspective for me and stops me from slipping into depression.  What coping mechanisms do you use?  We would love to hear them

Solving Storage Problems for Children: I’m Hooked!

http://www.fieldsofblue.co.uk/coloured-pencil-coat-hooks.html

I had a problem.  Every day when I collect the children from school and take them home, as soon as we walk through the door the same thing happens.  They take their shoes off in the hallway and place them on the shoe rack (good work kids) then on the way from the hallway to the lounge area they take their coats off (whilst still walking) and drop it on the floor at the point wherever the coat is off their arms.  (Aarrrgghhh!!!) This is not so great!  This same action every day grates on me.  One day feeling rather stressed out I said “Why every day do you do this?” My youngest daughter who was 5 at the time, looked at me with a blank look on her face and simply shrugged her shoulders.  She did not even get what I was talking about, it was a look of ‘who cares? What’s the big deal mum.’ My eldest daughter, aged 7, looked at me and said rather nonchalant “Because there is nowhere to put it.”

I had always asked them to take their coats upstairs to their bedroom, but when I actually thought about it, when returning from school the first thing they want is a drink and a snack.  As the kitchen is not on the way to their bedroom the likelihood of the coat arriving there before they arrive in the kitchen is zero.

I had to think of a resolution.  Obvious…right? I suddenly had a ‘tahdah’ moment – COAT HOOKS

Oh……coat hooks.  Simple resolution, right? No……

Because if you are anything like me, you wont be happy with the ordinary coat hooks that you can get in your local hardware store….

This particular example is £210, yeah it is solid wood (which is always a bonus with me) but where is the design, it is not attractive and the hooks are not always going to be covered by coats.  My thoughts were I would like something which is different, and attractive and could be made into a feature.  I also wanted something which my children would actually use, something they find to be a novelty.

After some searching I found the perfect solution.  A fabulous six coat hook rack which look like a set of pencils.  It looks like a great feature and you can even put in photographs of your children so they know who’s hook is who’s – so no more arguing! Win-win situation.

The rack costs just £119.00 (but if you are quick can get it on sale at a discounted price of £89.00) and can be purchased from http://www.fieldsofblue.co.uk/ But be quick as there is only one left in stock!

For those of you who would love something a little more shabby chic by style, there is a great alternative also available from Fields of Blue, at an exceptional value price of £19.95, and it still offers you the option of inserting photographs so as to avoid the arguments over who’s peg is who’s.  Alternatively, you could insert some of your favourite pictures of small paintings done by yourselves or your children.  Be creative 😉

Since getting the hooks, the problem is solved, my children not only now put their shoes on the shoe rack, but they also remember to hang up their coats.  No more stressed mum upon return from school, and additionally, we always know where coats are in the morning on the way out of the door!

How wiser words can come from children than from some adults: Indigo Children?

I am beginning to think my youngest child is actually an angel from heaven, you know the type ‘cheeky’ angel with a bit of slight devilment which keeps everyone on their toes, but are actually truly amazing.  If you have heard of the term ‘indigo-child’ I think I am somewhere near.  From here on in, I will call her Indigo.

She has done two things since Sunday which make me incredible proud.  Sunday was her birthday, she was 6.  I treated her to a day trip out and of course lots of presents, including her nails done at the nail salon-she was adamant!! (Me: Are you sure darling, you are only 6. Indigo: But mummy I want my nails doing just like you) How could I say no?!  Anyway, as I tucked her up in bed on Sunday evening she threw her arms around my neck and said “Mummy this has been the best birthday ever, thank you so much for what you have done today!” She released my neck grabbed my cheeks with her tiny hands and planted a kiss on my lips, let go and gave me the biggest grin.  My heart melted.  It is not every day a ‘just gone’ 6 year old is able to show such gratitude.

The second thing came just last night, two days since her birthday.  She knows I have been having a bit of a tough time recently.  I treated her to homemade pancakes, it was Pancake Tuesday after all.. I let her smear on the nutella and rolling it up she said “mummy you are the best mummy in the world!” She then began to sing to me whilst eating her pancake “lean on me…..when you’re not strong, I’ll be your friend……I’ll help you carry on…”  We are know the song by Al Green I am sure, even if you did not know it was Al Green that sang it, you will know the song trust me…. I do not even know where she has learnt this song.  And when asked, she does not know either!

At this point I could have cried.  How I have managed to raise such an emotionally aware child I will never know!  She flashed me a big smile and said “Mummy I lean on you all the time don’t I?  You can lean on me today.”

I love this girl, I am proud she is my daughter, she is like my little shadow, she will follow me to the end of the earth if that is where I am going.  I wake up in a morning and there she is in bed next to me, after she has sneaked in, in the middle of the night.

No matter how hard life gets, there is one person who can always put a smile on your face.  For me it is my youngest daughter.  We have such a connection, that we do not even have to speak to each other and we know what we are thinking.  I believe she is a soul mate of mine (yes relatives, friends etc can be soul mates too…..)

Indigo, you are truly amazing and always an inspiration to me.  You never fail to amaze me with your wise words, too wise for such a young girl.  I love you xxxxx

Related:

http://www.sophiagubb.com/how-to-tell-if-you-are-indigo/

Going Backwards? It is not possible, time will never allow it

I had my first child at 17, needless to say I was nt married and the relationship did not last. By 28 I had given birth to my second and third children.  I still was not married, nor did the fella ever intend to propose, mainly as he knew he had some sort of control in this matter, and all I ever wanted was the happily ever after.  So I planned the wedding, and when our third child was 6 months old, we got married.  I was never proposed to, and he never said he wanted to marry me, but he did. I am now divorced. Single again and have been for two years.  I am dating, for the first time in my life.  I meet men, go on dates and if I want to see them again I do, if I don’t  then I don’t.  For the first time in my life, I realised I actually had a choice in relationships.  My children are older now.  I go out with friends, I go on holiday with them, weekends away to festivals and allow myself that time to let my hair down.  I am truly living a single life.  With three older children in tow.  They of course also get my time, but as I am sole carer, with not much of a break I allow myself some freedom now and again.  I benefit, but so do they.

I had a career at 21, working in a law firm, receiving a large pay check at the end of each month and a decent annual bonus to boot.  At 30, I left, I’d had enough of the rat race and returned to university.  I am a student. I also work, part time.

I had a house at 21, albeit with a mortgage but it was mine.  After a failed engagement and then a failed marriage and all the financial implications that came with that (thanks ex-husband for eternally lumbering me with your debt) I now live in rented.  Although it is not all bad, as in actual fact this is the first house that actually feels like home to me, since leaving my parents home some 15 years ago.

At 21, despite having a child, I had savings.  Maybe this was because it was before the recession hit us, I do not know.  But I now no longer have savings.  Another way I have gone backwards…..?

I felt at one point I had it all.  Husband, children, career, money. But I did not.  I did not have my freedom, nor my happiness. I was sad, and despite being surrounded by my husband and children I felt lonely.  Nothing fulfilled me.  I felt like a shell, an outline of a person with nothing inside. Empty.

I used to be very creative, but all of this had fallen by the way side to make time for my career and my children.  I was desperately trying to hold everything together and it worked for a couple of years, but once the cracks began to show, no matter how much I tried to plaster of them, it was just a temporary fix.  I had to strip back to basics, and reassess my life.  At first I thought I had thrown everything away, until I realised I had in fact just began to clear everything away.  The things which I no longer needed in my life as they served no purpose, and in fact made me very unhappy.  However, I am happier now than I have ever been.  I still have problems in my life I have to deal with, but I do not ‘struggle’ to deal with them.  I am not constantly stressed out and have managed to develop a ‘whatever will be, will be’ attitude.  I believe sometimes we are so conditioned by society that we believe the house, car, husband, children, career blahdy blah is what is going to keep us happy. Having lived that live, it did not work for me, and I know plenty others that it has not worked for either.

If you feel unhappy, it is time to assess your life.  Do not be frightened, as you have to do this, for yourself. You have a duty to live life in the most happiest, fulfilling way that you can.

I had difficulty allowing myself time.  I felt guilty, feeling as though I had to be there for my children 24/7.  So I not only felt guilty when I went out for dinner with friends, or for a weekend away at a spa, I felt guilty when I went to work!  Working 10 hours a day in a law firm, meant most days I did not see my children for more than an hour a day-combined from before and after work.  It made it more difficult for me to accept as when I tried to explain it to my husband, he was so money driven (mainly as I paid his bills) that he failed to even consider a reduction in my hours.  So when I was finally brave enough to take a look at my life, and after my now ex-husband had left, I know the next thing on my list was my work.  I had always been interested in people and what made them tick, so I chose to do Psychology.  I left my work, which had always served as a security blanket and I took the giant step of becoming a student. This freed up a lot of my time, and now I can take my children to school every morning and collect them from school three days a week.  The guilt of not being a ‘proper’ mother (this way my ideal of the type of mother I wanted to be) to my children has gone.  Which now means I can also take time out some weekends, guilt-free.

Your steps do not have to be as life changing as mine, I am in no way advocating that every one packs in their jobs and gets divorced.  This worked for me, and I am still in transition after two years, but every day I am a step closer to where I want to be.  So even though I looked as though I was going backwards, (and believe me, many people questioned me, and some thought I was in mid-life crisis) I actually just cleared the decks so I could move forwards. I AM HAPPY.

My Funny Valentine: Weekly Writing Challenge

Finally Seeking my Daniel Cleaver

http://www.theproblemismen.com/rants/badboys

I read an article this morning, and it really got me thinking. The link for the said article is above, check it out it’s a very interesting read although do me a favour…..wait until you have finished mine 😉

Until fairly recently, I was one of those women that always chose a bad guy.  Bad guys ranging from down right little toe rags who eventually ended up in prison (thankfully after I had seen sense and had nothing else to do with them) to the ones who were emotionally unavailable and sometimes manipulative and abusive.  They generally were very hot (though not all were model look alikes), had an air of cockiness about them and nine times out of ten were great in bed. But all turned out to be the same, once they had me hooked they turned off the charm, the cockiness became arrogance and my pride and confidence once again dwindled.

It was not until I began studying Psychology that I began to consider why it was that I chose this particular type of man.  I could only watch on in envy as my girlfriends settled down with reliable, dependable men and built a life and a family together.  Instead I was left picking up the pieces of yet another failed ‘relationship’ where it had fallen apart because I was nt getting from it what I wanted.

Since my divorce in 2011, I began to look at what was going wrong. Previously it was all too easy for me to blame the man because he did this or that (or indeed he did nothing at all).  Coincidently this tied in with when I began my degree.  I began to learn about attachment and I quickly began to understand that the cause of my obsession with ‘bad boys’ developed due to the poor relationship with my father.  I loved my dad growing up, but due to the separation of my parents I did not see him that often.  In his past he was a bouncer and probably classed as a ‘bad boy’ himself and I really believe that I was looking for that, for some sort of compensation.

Since realising why I was always attracted to a certain type of man, I have taken the time to be on my own to work out what I really want.  Whilst taking this time, I must admit I developed quite an obsession with the likes of ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary just for the pure fact she also came to her senses by the time she was in her thirties and finally chose the ‘nice’ man.  The thing is the ‘nice’ man is the man that treats you right, who is emotionally available and wants to be with you.  The man who does not make you feel insecure, always second guessing whether you are together or what he is up to. It does not mean they are less appealing.  For this valentines I am pleased to say I have chosen a ‘Daniel Cleaver’.  He is a nice guy, he shows me interest, he is chasing me….but guess what he is also very good looking, very interesting, sexy as hell and the funniest guy I know!

Related Article:

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/10/writing-challenge-valentine/?blogsub=confirmed#blog_subscription-3

I’ll have an ice glockenspiel please…..Thank you

http://www.boredpanda.org/orchestra-played-their-enchanting-music-with-instruments-made-of-ice/

 

What is Child Sexual Exploitation?

http://www.westyorkshire.police.uk/help-advice/child-sexual-exploitation-cse

What is child sexual exploitation?

CSE is Child Sexual Exploitation. In very basic terms, it involves a victim being targeted and groomed by adults, with the intention of sexually assaulting and/or raping them.

The children are targeted because they are vulnerable; due to their age.

Grooming can take place in many forms – both ‘on line’ in social media chat rooms, via mobile phones or in person. The child will not always realise they are being groomed.

Often the grooming starts with friendship or a relationship, where the offender may supply gifts such as clothes, money, mobile phones, which may progress to the supply of alcohol and drugs.

Sometimes the children are given lifts and transported around. The offender will usually encourage the child to distance themselves further from their usual family and friends. Soon into this friendship/relationship, sexual assaults and rapes may occur upon the child.

The offenders are very organised and deliberate in their actions, in some cases working together within a group. They are predatory sex offenders, targeting specifically vulnerable children.

How can we educate young people about the dangers?

A great deal of work has been ongoing to make young people aware of the dangers of Child Sexual Exploitation. This includes regular work from partner organisations within schools to make pupils aware of this offence and how to identify it. There have also been a number of educational events which specialist officers have attended. This preventative work compliments the proactive operations, resulting in significant custodial sentences.

How can people recognise where sexual exploitation is taking place?

We offer literature and information via our websites to highlight the signs of Child Sexual Exploitation and how to get help. For instance, some offenders may use gifts to encourage young people to engage with them and is one of a number of indicators.

There will be acute cases of children subject to ongoing abuse and those children whose lifestyle and association means they are at risk of sexual exploitation.

Does technology make this offence more difficult to identify?

Although technology enables such offences to take place online through chat rooms and other mediums, it also leaves offenders open to being caught. We monitor these sites and where there is evidence of Child Sexual Exploitation, we can take action by seizing equipment such as computers and mobile phones. These strengthen the weight of evidence against the offenders.

From a preventative perspective, we also have nationally trained officers who work in schools to alert them to the online dangers and how to recognise the potential for grooming.

Know the Signs

Even something that seems like normal teenage behaviour could be a sign that a child is being sexually exploited.  Some of the visible signs include:

• Regularly missing from home or school and staying out all night
• Change in behaviour – becoming aggressive and disruptive or quiet and withdrawn.
• Unexplained gifts or new possessions such as clothes, jewellery, mobile phones or money that can’t be accounted for.
• Increase in mobile phone use or secretive use
• Appearing to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol
• Being picked up or dropped off in cars by unknown adults
• A significantly older ‘boyfriend’ or ‘friend’ or lots of new friends
• Spending excessive amount of time online and becoming increasingly secretive about time spent online
• Sudden involvement in criminal behaviour or increased offending
• Sexual health problems

If you have any concerns that a child you know may be a victim of Child Sexual Exploitation report it to West Yorkshire Police by calling 101 or you can call Crimestoppers anonymously on 0800 555 111

For more general information and links, see our personal safety section http://www.westyorkshire.police.uk/help-advice/crime-prevention/personal-safety

For more information about bullying, please click on the following link that will take you to ‘Bullying Online’, a registered charity that provides internet help and support for parents and children experiencing the trauma of school bullying –

www.bullying.co.uk

Related Links: http://ceop.police.uk/safety-centre/

 

Taken from the above link.  I am no expert in this, but I do feel passionately about this issue.  The only way it can be tackled is to raise awareness of the issue and help people to identify what the signs are.

B.

Finding the Gipsy in you….

http://www.gipsydharma.com

The thing I like the most about the products from www.gipsydharma.com is that they are all hand made made from leather.  The range includes boots – from ankle to over the knee thigh boots and short leather skirts.  Everything about this range reminds me of nature and earth, they are so natural and there is nothing fake about these products at all.  So what is the cost?  You would expect it to be expensive right?  Bearing in mind they are made from the finest soft leather, and all hand made.  Well you may be surprised to note that the costs start at just £80.00 for a pair of flip flops which have recently been added to the site, with the most expensive product, a pair of over the knee thigh boots (very sexy indeed!) currently costing around £260.00.  Not bad if you ask me!!! So if you are lucky enough to have the pennies already saved treat yourself.  Or, if you are like me, get saving…..I am wishing for a pair of these just in time for the festival season:

Gipsy Dharma also run weekly competitions to win a pair of their fabulous boots https://www.facebook.com/#!/GiPsy.Dharma.Unique.Clothing?fref=ts

You can view their full catalog here:

http://www.gipsydharma.com/collections/all

Enjoy!

B.

http://www.fashiontv.com/news/fabulous-leathers-for-fabulous-feet_2019.html

 

Not Happy? It’s not the end

I was always perceived at school as a pretty and intelligent girl who was confident and not scared to stand up for herself.  The truth was I was shy and had very low self esteem. I constantly strived for approval from others and all I ever wanted was to be accepted.

I could never work out whether or not I was accepted and so I would do things that I would not necessarily do, and for that reason I have made some bad choices in my life.  Nothing which has ended me in prison or anything but nonetheless, if I knew what I know now things would have been very different.

My mum and dad divorced when I was 10.  I never thought it affected me until recently.  I looked back at my life and realised I have been rather destructive to myself and in  particular in relationships.  My dad was not an altogether abusive man but on occasion was physically abusive to my mum.  My mum was not an overall manipulator but could be manipulative.  It is easy for me to see why they are not together now when I look at them both.  They are both remarried and happy.  Furthermore, they are all friends which is nice to see, though it has taken them twenty years to get there.

As I always wanted to feel accepted and wanted, I became sexually active at 15.  By the time I was 17 I was pregnant, to a boy from school. He became abusive and manipulating and I let it all happen.  Getting pregnant was actually the saving grace as it gave me the strength to end the relationship as I did not want my child growing up around this man.  In short,  he kidnapped me, he abused me both physically and mentally, he stole off me and he cheated on me with numerous other girls and even one of my ‘friends’.  I did not know at the time but he was also an alcoholic and a drug user, who was also struggling with coming to terms he was bi-sexual. Not that this gave him the right to treat me in the way he did.

After I had my child I met someone who was doing well for themselves and was extremely good looking.  He even helped me look after my child.  At first things were great, we shared lots of great times.  But eventually the relationship fell apart.  He became very controlling and rather manipulative and I felt trapped.  I was 22 but felt like 32 (I am 33 now and I felt older then than I do now!) I still see this man as he still has contact with my child and for that I will always be thankful.  But what I had done was let another man look after me and do everything for me.

To be honest looking back I am not surprised I met someone else.  Not only were there issues in my relationship with control generally taking each other for granted, probably due to the fact we were very young and not really knowing how to deal with difficulties in the relationship.  Additionally, I found it extremely difficult to communicate with my partner.  I am not suprised at this either.  Although I’ve always known my parents loved me, whilst I was growing up I was not really told that they did.  I never heard the words ‘I love you.’ When I lived with my mum and dad, dad occasionally did not come home.  I remember me asking mum one morning whilst in the kitchen where dad was and she told me he had gone to work early.  Even at the young age of 8 or 9 years old I remember thinking ‘he did nt come home’. If my mum and dad had problems then they argued.  I remember a lot of bickering and sniping, but I do not remember them being particularly happy.

I guess then in some way I had been programmed not to deal with issues and to retaliate by pushing people away, because I believed they were going to leave anyway. With hindsight I now know that this is what happened with this man.  I did my best to push him away, as this was a barrier I had put up as I believed he would leave anyway.  I could not fully open myself up to love him and I could not believe that someone actually loved me for me.  We are actually engaged to be married and had bought a house together.  We had everything and could have had more.  I kept all the photographs from family holidays we had together and looking at them the other day I broke down in tears as we were actually in love.  The way we were looking at each other in the photographs was so extremely touching and it is for this reason that I have kept them as I want my child to have these so they know that we did love each other once.  In fact, I believe we still love each other now, but things have changed and us as people have changed also.  If I had the tools to salvage that relationship at that time then I would have done.  But obviously it was not meant to be.

I  jumped from that relationship into another which initially gave me the freedom and excitement I was so desperately looking for. Unfortunately it turned out to be an extremely bad decision, but this I will discuss at another time as this is a very long story in itself.

It was only after I had to make some very brave decisions and walk away from this relationship.  It was one of hardest things I have ever had to do.  But it was only then that I began to actually find myself.  Since my divorce three years ago I left my job, which I had not been happy in for over three years.  I enrolled to do a degree I had always wanted to do, and got work at a local charity.  I had desperately wanted to do a job where I felt I was making a difference to people for such a long time.  I am still single, I am still studying and I am the happiest I have ever been.  I have also taken this time whilst I have been single to reflect on past relationships and behaviours, as well as life events such as my parents divorce. I understand why I have acted in the way I have.  I have forgiven myself for some of the things I have done.  I have apologised to the relevant people for the way I have acted and I am ready to move on.  One thing I realised is as my mum never said ‘I love you’ to me as a child I constantly say it to my children.  My dad says it to me all the time, and I can easily reciprocate, but  until recently I could never say it to my mum.  Not because I did nt, but because we just never had. But mum if you ever read this please know one thing, I do love you with all my heart and now I am older I know that the words do not always have to be spoken.

Over the last couple of years I have had many discussions with my parents (separately of course) and I can see both sides of their story.  I have also accepted certain things from my childhood and forgiven and let go.

I know I am of worth.  I know I have grown up to be a good mum, a kind hearted person who does not judge others and always try to see the best in them.  I have ambition and know I will get there.  It may have taken me longer than I would have first envisioned but I know that anything is possible and I will keep going until I get where I want to be. So for all of you who have experienced set backs, losses and difficulties never give up, keep going because you will get there, even if the journey is long.  If you are not at the happy ending then you are not at the end 🙂

B.