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“The capacity t…

“The capacity to become depressed, to have a reactive depression, to mourn loss, is something that is not inborn nor is it an illness; it comes as an achievement of healthy emotional growth … the fact is that life itself is difficult … probably the greatest suffering in the human world is the suffering of normal or healthy or mature persons … this is not generally recognized.” Donald Winnicott

Blogizing: The Book That Changed My Life

We all have that one book that once we have read it, it stays with us forever.  For whatever reason it made a huge impact.  Whether it is because you can relate to the character, the situation or it just ‘clicks’ with you, you know after reading it, it is with you, part of your brain and part of your soul. The book I am referring to is One Day by David Nicholls.  It was made into a film starring Anne Hathaway as the leading lady.  I was so excited when I found out they were making the book into the film and I had high expectations.  Unfortunately…it did not fulfil them and I was left feeling a little disappointed.  Which initially surprised me as I really do like a film with Anne Hathaway normally, she played a great part in The Devil Wears Prada, and I think that is when she first caught my attention.  Anyway….after some further consideration I realised perhaps the film was nt all that bad and it was in fact my actual love for the book, and the fact i had read it a couple of times, not only digested the information contained within the book, but pretty much memorised it, therefore noticing every little thing they actually left out of the film, and the parts they had changed.

This was the first book that I ever finished.  FACT

This was the first book I actually ever cried at. FACT

This is the only book that has had an impact on me. FACT

By why? I hear you say…..

It is written within an era I was growing up in therefore I have a connection straight away…..the 80’s! I was born in 1980 and although the fashion and music in my opinion, leave a lot to be desired I still love the 80’s.  The way people seemed to ‘make do’, the  memories of my family, places I lived, toys I played with, holidays I enjoyed.  These were the happiest ten years of my life, as at the age of 1o my parents separated and subsequently divorced, so I hold the 80’s up there as important, happy, iconic years of my life.

As I began to read the story, I really related to the main character Emma, and felt it could even have been me.  Not actually me, but if I was to be auditioning as a part to play Emma in a film, based upon my love life and my expectation of my love life….it definitely could have been me.

One Day is a funny/sad love story spanning twenty years, a book about growing up – how we change, how we stay the same.

The story basically follows two people, Emma and Dexter-who meet at University on their night of graduation and the following day they go their seperate ways.  However, on the same day every year they catch up on what is happening in each others lifes.  It follows them for twenty years, showing how they change.  You so desperately want them to get together and when it is right to do so for one of them, it is the wrong timing for the other.  Many things happen and they change for the better and for the worse.  Dexter follows the wrong path of drink and drugs and Emma just does not seem to be reaching her full potential.  Eventually they get together and what happens next was such a shock, I cannot tell you!  Well, actually…..I can tell you but it is still painfully difficult…..Emma is hit by a truck whilst riding her bicycle through the streets of London.  I remember reading this book whilst in the bath and I actually sobbed.  Not cried as in tears running down my cheeks….but full on balled my eyes out to the point my cheeks stung from the tears.  This was such a tragic story.  From the point of meeting Emma loved Dexter, but he was so silly not to realise it.  Eventually, he finally came to his senses, sorted out his life, they get together and she is killed.  ‘That would just be my luck, I thought!

It is n’t that I am a particularly morbid person in any way.  I do however have an irrational fear of death.  I am always pursuing ‘my one true love’ whoever that may be and I am so worried that if I find them they will be taken away from me.  Riddiculous I know, and probably the reason I have never been lucky enough to meet my soul mate.  The universe probably thinks I do not deserve it or cannot handle it.  Quite possibly correct.  The good news is, I am receiving counselling for my fear as it extends to all parts of my life, to a point where I can be quite self destructive in order to protect myself and/or others.  I do this subconsciously, so a lot of the time I do not even know I have done it.

I have moved on to realising that I am just as entitled to a happy life with happy things in it that any other person.  This has been a big step for me.  I also now know that when good things happen it does not automatically mean things will be taken away from me.

This book was life changing for me.  Not just because I, at the time, related to the story, but because it made me realise the intensity of my fear and after some years finally get some help. Never have I again managed to engage so much with a book, nor have I cried to that extent.  Thank you David Nicholls for what is likely to be ‘the’ book that changed my life!

http://www.davidnichollswriter.com/one_day

Which book has had a lasting effect on you? We would love to hear about it 🙂

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Loving a hippie

To society hippies are dreadlocks and harem pants, pot smoking bums who rarely get a wash. 

Being a hippie is not about how you look its about how you act and the beliefs you have. Its about being a nice person, approaching things from love,about not being afraid to be creative in arts, music and dance. Free spirits who are thankful for what they have in life. 

If only more of society, especially people in power could adapt this way of thinking the world would be a better place.

Power to the hippies ✌

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What is a Healthy Relationship? This should make things clearer

We all know what it is like when we meet someone new, and we fall head over heels in love with them.  It does not matter what the do or say, as to you they are perfect.  However, you should always be aware of what a healthy relationship consists of.  This can keep you out of trouble.  If you know the signs before you get into a relationship this should help you to attract the type of partner that you will actually be loved and cared by, and in return you can do the same and of course live happily ever after, just like you have always dreamed………well maybe not ‘ever after’ but for a long time at least, and at least you will be happy 🙂

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So what is a healthy relationship?

A healthy relationship is a relationship where you feel happy, safe and secure.  You completely trust your partner, you are not afraid of them, and they do not make unreasonable requests of you.

What makes a healthy relationship?

  • Mutual respect. Do you respect each other? Do you listen and understand each others point of view? Do they know the real you and you know the real them? Can you be yourself or do you have to act like someone else.  Mutual respect is a sign of a healthy relationship.
  • Trust. You are talking to a guy, laughing and joking when your partner walks by.  Do they act jealous and ask you if you are sleeping with each other/seeing each other behind his back, or do they say hi and join in the conversation, completely trusting you.  If there is trust between the two of you this is a sign of a healthy relationship.
  • Honesty. This goes hand in hand with trust.  If you do not or cannot tell the truth then you cannot expect your partner to trust you.  Most people know when another person is lying, even if not straight away.  Are you open with what you are doing or who you are with or do you feel you have to cover this up from your partner.  Do you feel they know you are lying but you justify it because you feel your partner will be upset with you? If you cannot be honest this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship
  • Support. In the good times and the bad.  Some people thrive on drama and are great when the going gets tough, but forget to be supportive in every day life when you need that extra encouragement to finally sign up for that college course you ve always wanted to do or take a part in a local play.  Offering support to you consistently is a sign of a healthy relationship.
  • Fairness/equality. Give and take.  Do you spend as much time hanging out with his mates as you do your own, do you take turns in choosing which movie you are seeing at the cinema, or who will be making tea.  If a power struggle starts and one of you are constantly trying to get your own way then this is not fair, nor is it equal and this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
  • Separate identities. In a healthy relationship, everyone needs to make compromises. But that doesn’t mean you should feel like you’re losing out on being yourself. When you started going out, you both had your own lives (families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc.) and that shouldn’t change. Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don’t, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities you love. And you also should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.
  • Good communication. Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars.  You’ve probably heard lots of stuff about how men and women don’t seem to speak the same language. If something is wrong and your partner asks you, stay calm and speak to them about what is upsetting you.  There is no use in bottling up your emotions and feelings as it achieves nothing.  If you are not ready to speak, tell them you would like a little space, but you will discuss it with them shortly.  The right person for you will allow you this time to gather your thoughts and emotions.  If you can communicate effectively this is a sign of a healthy relationship.

By now you should understand what is seen as a positive, healthy relationship.  If you believe you are in one of these then a big ‘hi 5’ to the both of you and long may your happiness continue.  If you have read this and feel you may be stuck in an unhealthy relationship maybe it is time to consider if the relationship is worth taking forward.  Should you have found yourself in an abusive relationship where your partner is controlling or you have been groomed into things you are in a loving, healthy relationship, then you need to get out of it and quick.  Stay strong, find local professionals to help you and you will be ok.  Nothing in life can survive if it is toxic.

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