Say no to online dating…

I have tried online dating on and off for two years.  Not because I had trouble meeting anyone, but because the people I were meeting were not necessarily what I was looking for.  At first I was full of excitement….receiving messages left, right and centre…it gave me something to concentrate on after my separation and I liked the attention, if I am honest with myself.  I even met a couple of the guys I had been chatting with online.  Well….I met three actually.  

One was a lovely guy and we met a couple of times, despite messaging for a while before meeting up, it was still a nerve wrecking experience! But we got on fine, though the distance between us made things difficult.  We still send the odd message now and again but there was not a strong enough connection to make either of us feel strongly enough about making a concerted effort to keep things moving in the dating direction.  So I guess this one could be classed as a partial success. 

The other two dates turned out to be strange….and that is putting it lightly.  To be honest….I wish I had never gone.  These were the type of people that had put pictures on the site which must have been photoshopped in some way or another….or taking in a light which was more favourable to their feature 😉 They both we much shorter than they had stated in their stats, and me being 5 ft 10 myself, find nothing less attractive than a man being shorter than me.  I want a man to protect me and look after me, not the other way around!  One suffered from a nervous twitch and despite me giving off signals I was not interested still tried to go in for a kiss which I have to say was quite possibly one of the most embarrassing situations I have been in….having to pull a scarf over my face whilst trying to duck out of the way!!!  The other just kept talking about getting pissed and how he is usually at home by 10pm.  WOW! I thought….I am a night owl.  When I go out with friends….I am lucky to be in by 3am 😉 He had a nervous stutter which made it difficult to understand what he was saying most of the time and I did not find him stimulating in any ways shape or form…so much so I made my excuses and left after half an hour later! 

The problem I have found with online dating is this…..in order to fancy someone you need the whole package.  When you first see someone…you decide within seconds whether or not you are attracted to them.  Its just nature, that is just the way it is.  You dont just look at their face, you take in the whole of them….their height, their body frame, their face and other features, and more importantly their stance…the way they show how confident they are…or not! If you manage to muster up enough confidence to approach them and speak to them, then you listen to their voice.  This is important, you need to find their voice attractive, light it flows through your body as they speak.   You can feel the persons energy (some may call it an aura).  There is no way you can do this through a computer/laptop/tablet/phone.  It is like when on occasion you meet someone and you either really like them or do not for whatever reason, you just cant put your finger on it. 

It does not matter how many photographs they put on the site, they are not a true representation in most cases.  They are always the best of the best and they are not 3d, you cannot get a true representation from a flat photograph!

Maybe it is just the case that I am too much of a ‘feeler’ I am an ENFP (Myers Briggs Test) but I think intuition is a great thing to go by.  If your body is telling you something listen to it, because it is usually right…in my experience anyway. 

My advice would be to get out there, look at people, feel their energy, watch their gestures and movements.  This tells you a lot about a person, more so than what they are selectively telling you at the other end of the internet.  

I’m sure there are successful relationships which have arisen from online dating but on the whole, it is not for most people. They are probably the lucky small percentage who just fell lucky.  I on the whole found internet dating rather soul destroying on one level…thinking christ is this what I am attracting.  Another point about internet dating sites is…it is a complete minefield.  It really is a place for lots of strange folk to hang out…..

My final point is this….the time I saved checking my account and speaking to people that it was never going to go anywhere with….because suddenly they dropped off the face of the Earth or told me they used to be a woman or are looking for someone to become an escort…(yes this happened)…I used the time to focus on things I actually wanted to do.  Like going out with friends and having a good time…walking my lovely dog and doing other things I really enjoy…like writing this blog 😉 

Good luck with your dating, there will be someone for you just around the corner.  I waited two years to find what I was looking for, but I am so glad I waited….so glad I did nt compromise what I was looking for as now I am the happiest I have ever been. 

 

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Must not entertain manipulators

Having been married to the chief manipulator there were a few things that I learned along the way, and a few I realised post relationship.  First how do you recognise a manipulator?  A manipulator is someone who will do anything to get you to do things for them.  Beware of tears (they are not always a sign of being genuine), charm (being overly nice for no reason or over complimentary…..hmmm what do they want?!), guilt-tripping (projecting guilt on to you making them look like the victim) and lies (watch their body language).

Male operating puppet controls

If you find yourself being involved with a manipulator, here are my tips:

1. Do not negotiate with them.  For emotional manipulators, it’s all about having, exerting and gaining more power. So they’ll always push for more and they’ll never compromise. YOU CANNOT WIN.

2. Don’t engage with them.  Don’t try to talk, or reason, or discuss some matter with them – as they’ll try to twist your motives, and leave you feeling “bad”. YOU CANNOT WIN.

3.  Don’t confront them. They’re quick to take offense and they love an argument. They’ll then turn and attack you – and never let things go. YOU CANNOT WIN.

You cannot have successful relationships with this type of person.  Every argument will be your fault (and believe me there will be lots of them as manipulators love arguments).  You will end up doing things you do not want to do or would have never considered (all because they want you to) and on the back of this, you will feel angry and annoyed with yourself for compromising your values or beliefs.  If they ever help you then you will be forever in your debt.  As difficult as it is, you need to try and not react to this person.  do not allow them to press your buttons, as once they have worked out what they are, you will become their constant source of entertainment.

You really are best not having anything to do with manipulators as they bring nothing positive to your life.  You will end up giving your all trying to please this person and constantly feel inadequate, therefore never happy.

Take note: manipulators are playing a game, they are unable to admit they are wrong, they do not build meaningful relationships.  These people should be avoided at all costs, harsh but true.  Do not work with these people, do not have relationships or friendships with them.  Do not even walk their dogs or feed their cats.  Whatever you do or whatever you say will be twisted and turned around to make you feel bad.  They have one objective, to wear you down and make you submit.  Everything to them is a competition and in their head the only person who can lose is you and they will not stop until they get that.  One thing is for sure, your life will be so much easier if you avoid these people.  I would have never said this ten years ago but seeing how my marriage ended and what I still have to put up with to this day it is something I can say with ease and not feel I have to apologise about.

B.

Dating Do’s

The following are my own observations and findings whilst being in the dating game.  I am sure there will be many people who will disagree with some of the points.  I have to be honest when I say I would have been one of those people when I began to date again.  However, over the last two years I began to see what worked and what did not work.

rebound

Firstly I guess I should explain what I was looking for from a man.  If I was just looking for a man as in someone to start a relationship with and I was not bothered about their looks, their prospects, morals or anything else then you do not need to play the dating game.  All you need to do is find a man who is as desperate to settle down as you are.  It may work for a while and you will probably get some good times, but eventually it is likely to fall apart.  Not all the time, may I add.  Sometimes there is that freak couple you know that manages to stay together through all adversity.  But, generally, and in most cases, if you begin a relationship with someone for the wrong reasons then it is not likely to last the test of time.

When I first began dating again I did not know what I was looking for in a relationship.  I did not know what type of man I wanted, what qualities I was looking for-I just wanted a man-a replacement for the one I had just lost.  Let me point out that if this is the case with you now, it is OK to feel like this.  The reason you feel like this, no matter how much you want to disagree, is because you are not over your last relationship.  This is why it is very important that you actually date people.  Date as many people as you like whilst you begin to work out what is important to you.  As long as you are not leading people on then you are not doing anything wrong.

After I jumped straight into a relationship (and then pretty much straight back out again) with the first man that offered themselves I then started another relationship with a ‘fitty’.  A man who was a personal trainer that looked good from the outside, but had absolutely nothing going on in the inside.  His only topic of conversations were training at the gym and what he ate on a daily basis.  Needless to say, that relationship did not last very long either.  These two are just examples of how you begin to work out what is and is not important.

Personal-Trainer-640x426

These days, although looks matter to me, I do not seek high and low for the fittest man in the bar.  I am much more likely to be drawn towards someone with a great personality, someone who is considerate, that is an all round nice person, that can make me laugh.  I find at first that I do not even notice their clothes any more.  I would be lying if I said that I could date anyone as long as they could make me laugh, we nice to me etc, but that is not entirely true either.  There has to be a spark, but that spark can start from something other than looks.

It is important when dating for you to be the lady, and let him be the man.

lady

I am not the most feminine type, I do now and again venture to the pub with jeans and a t-shirt, trendy pumps and a bobble hat! It is not all about the clothes, it is not about wearing the shortest skirt or lowest top you can find.  It is about acting like a lady and doing lady things.  Let the man do their man things, one thing men love is to be needed. Don’t take advantage…..numerous requests every day are not going to go down well and he will eventually get fed up with you, no matter how much he liked you in the first place.

This one, I have realised is very important.  He needs to do the chasing.  If you chase him then there is no challenge, what is he working for? If he already has you then there is nothing for him to work towards and it is likely he will quickly lose interest.  which is what leads me to the next point before you get chance to ask…..

chasing

If he is interested he will contact you. If a man likes you he will get in touch with you.  He will make the effort because the thought of anyone else getting in there first will eventually tear him apart.  There is nothing a man likes less than to see the woman he wants on the arm of another man.

Remember, there is no rule for contact. It may take a few days, week or two…however long it takes, he has still thought of you.  Give him chance to miss you.  This has happened on so many occasions with me.  I’ve even managed to turn relationships around.  I started off being the chaser with one man.  We dated a few times and he then lost interest, probably because I was no longer a challenge to him.  So when he stopped contacting me, as hard as it was for me to do so, I stopped contacting him too.  Out of the blue about three weeks later he sent me a message.  Instead of replying straight away I replied the next day.  I think the fact that he had to wait for a response ignited some interest again.  He now contacts me regularly asking if I fancy meeting up, but as it happens I’ve since met someone who interests me more, so at the moment I am generally very busy 😉

Never tell him you love him first.  By all means, show him you are interested and show affection, but do not smother him.  Let him become attached to you first.  It is important, as once a man makes that connection with you its difficult to break it.  He has got to that point on his own without being pressurised by you or anyone else.  That way he realises his own emotions and feelings therefore less likely to become complacent and bored.

These points are obviously not a guarantee to having a perfect relationship, but they are more my findings from dating, and believe me, in some circumstances I have found out the hard way!

spark

Good luck.  In case you are not convinced, check out this article 🙂 http://metro.co.uk/2013/12/17/6-reasons-its-better-to-be-single-than-in-a-relationship-at-christmas-4226154/

B.

Online dating blunders

online-dating texter

Following on from my previous blog post (see below for related articles) on online dating, I’ve decided to put another post together.  Those of you who are fellas with an online dating profile you may want to consider these points, if you are having problems i.e. not getting any messages or not getting replies to messages you have sent.

1.  Be careful when choosing your user name.  User names such as ‘BigBalls1984’ and ‘hornyhunk1973’ are not attractive (yes these are real)

2. Tag lines such as ‘free to a good home’ or ‘sick of being single now’ are not going to have women queuing up for you.  They just scream desperate!

3. Sending messages which simply say ‘hi’ are highly likely to be ignored.  If you cannot be bothered putting in any effort with the first message why should we bother responding?

4. Stating things such as ‘Not looking for a penpal, if you only want to chat then jog on!’.  This is a major turn off.  Most women will want to send at least a few messages first, to check out whether or not they feel comfortable in meeting you.

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5.  Putting naked pictures on.  This will only attract a certain type of woman…and not one looking for a relationship.  However, if sex is all you are looking for then carry on!

6.  Get an honest female friend to look at your photos for you.  I have never understood why men decide to put on pictures of them looking angry/aggressive accompanied with captions saying ‘my angry look’.  Think about it…..would you contact a woman that looked angry?!

7.  Put more than one photograph on of yourself, at least one close up and one full length (and make sure they are recent, not from 10 years ago when you feel you were in your prime).  If you do not do this then people may be disappointed if/when they meet you and likely to feel misled.  This will only set you up for a fall later on.

8.  Don’t kill yourself off! Think about how your message may be portrayed.  I received a good first message from someone the other week, it read:

“Bands, festivals, yoga, traveling and amazingly stunningly gorgeously beautiful wow!!! hows it going for you on here? xxx”

(ok so he may have been a bit over the top…but at least he had taken the time to read my profile)

so I replied:

“Hi, how are you. I would say if nothing else its rather amusing! Im not sure I am convinced to be honest! What about you? x”

to which he replied……..

“I can’t stand been on here but yet can’t seem to be able to get away from it, that might be down to the fact I get no interest from girls at all xxx”

Which immediately indicates this man has little self-confidence, and if he gets no interest at all then why should I be interested?  It always worries me when men come across so insecure.  You want the man to be able to stand up and take care of you, I just could nt see this happening from a person who comes across like this.  Secondly in my experience in the relationships I have had, where I went through  a stage of dating people who wanted to be ‘saved’ in one way or another, who suffered from low self esteem and confidence were the ones who usually suffered from jealousy and trust issues.  These are toxic relationships and not good for anyone involved.

9.  Do not ask too many questions in one message.  I got a message from a fella, and as nice looking as he was, I did not bother to reply.  The reason for this was he asked 6 questions in one message, all quite intimate, with the last two asking “so what do you think you could bring to a relationship?” and “what would you do to keep me interested?”

It is not an interview, and the main reason for messaging initially is to see whether conversation can flow naturally between two people.  If it cant flow over messages then its highly unlikely to be easy face to face.

10. Do not write about your best mate, who is female, and you love her to bits and she thinks you are a really nice guy and she just wants you to find someone who you really deserve…..blah, blah, blah.  Do not put pictures of her on your profile either.  Women automatically feel threatened by other women and will straight away begin assessing whether or not they would feel inferior to your best friend and whether they are going to have to be competing for your affection.  I am happy for fellas to have female friends, I am just not sure what I think about them having a female best friend.  Usually men with female best friends have either been in a relationship and shagged this woman before or they turn out to be gay.  Sad but generally true 😉

dickhead

So if you are guilty of any of these profile blunders, rectify them and see if it makes a difference.  I would love to hear from you if it does! For all those women looking, I hope this puts some fellas on the right track and internet dating might not be so painful Happy searching everyone!

B.

Oh the cheek of it

You may already be aware that I am no stranger to inline dating. Day in, day out, I come across some strange people and profiles. Sometimes I just want to message some of them and point out where they may be going wrong…. Here is a prime example

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Now I am no expert but if your intention is ‘actively seeking a relationship’ putting a picture if your bum on there is not likely to attract a relationship. I would nt want to start a relationship with someone who feels its fine to post a picture of his arse and then the next picture is of his child!

The caption with his ‘bum’ picture is

“cheeky bum bum”

which indicates he’s definitely a Jeremy Kyle watcher as this is an advert which always follows….

He undoubtedly loves his child but there is no place on a dating site for pictures of children and it does worry me that dating sites even allow it as they could become targets for groomers and pedophiles. It may sound dramatic but unfortunately this is the world we live in.

I wish this fella all the luck on his search but I would suggest removal of two things….picture of his child and a not so revealing picture of his bottom, no matter how nice it may be.

BB.

Dating website is local job recruiter!

I have been inspired to write about internet dating once again.  I have just received two messages (from separate men) and once again, they have left me speechless!

I switched on my laptop this morning and logged into my account and when I noticed I have two new messages I got a slight burst of excitement.  I say slight burst it was more likely a little twinkle which lasted a millisecond.  The reason for this as I have been on this site now for quite a while and there really is only one or two gems on there, the rest are unfortunately, like bug lumps of coal or small uninteresting pebbles. But you never know…..I am a believer in fate and I think if it’s meant to be then you will come across your soul mate one day, whether that is whilst you are crossing over the street, in a supermarket, online or the more traditional ‘meeting in a bar’.

 escort

I clicked on the first message from the user ‘BigBalls1984’ I think the username should have given it away but I must admit I did not check the user name before I clicked on the message. The message read, and I quote:

“Hey there, I love your profile pictures you are hot! Have you ever considered becoming an escort? You can make loads of money and its really not a bad job, you get paid to take men out.  What do you reckon?”

My intention clearly states on my profile ‘seeking a relationship’ but just to clarify, it is not a relationship of this type!

<DELETE MESSAGE>

Next one looks more promising.  I click on his profile photo, he looks lovely, dark hair, bright blue eyes and a nice, almost shy looking smile.  There are three other pictures on his profile and they are all equally as nice.  I read his profile and he seems nice, regular job, 5ft 11 inches (decent height though I prefer over 6 ft but I wont hold this against him).  I click on his message and it read:

“Hi, you seem like a really nice, down to earth girl.  Would you like to chat?”

I replied with a ‘yes’, why not, what have I got to lose, he actually seems nice and normal (this is important) so I replied:

“Hi, thank you for your message, you seem like a nice guy, what is a beautiful boy like you doing on a site like this?”

Well how I wish I had never asked…..

“Well, have you read the book 50 Shades of Grey? I am looking for a girl that is willing to train to become a submissive.  Do you think this is something you would be interested in?”

My reply…..

“Erm, thank you for the offer but no thanks! Good look with your search”

<DELETE MESSAGE>

50Shades08_GQ_23Nov12_istock_b_642x390

This guy clearly has no idea who he is dealing with.  I consider myself to be a free spirit, quite hedonistic if I am honest.  To become a submissive for me would be like tearing off a birds wings and to finish it off, sticking it in a 4″x4″ box with no breathing space.

Well I guess my search for the one continues.  I remain hopeful though.  If nothing else the online dating is just an input of comedy in my life.  I do not take it too seriously and I am lucky I have a good social life so I do not rely on it being the only way to meet people.  Which is probably best, as unfortunately it would appear mostly the people on there are either desperate, obsessive,a time waster, a fake account, perverted or offering <ahem> a job in some way.

I would actually love to hear from anyone who has had success with online dating, as I am either doing something wrong or I am on the wrong site!