I was always perceived at school as a pretty and intelligent girl who was confident and not scared to stand up for herself. The truth was I was shy and had very low self esteem. I constantly strived for approval from others and all I ever wanted was to be accepted.
I could never work out whether or not I was accepted and so I would do things that I would not necessarily do, and for that reason I have made some bad choices in my life. Nothing which has ended me in prison or anything but nonetheless, if I knew what I know now things would have been very different.
My mum and dad divorced when I was 10. I never thought it affected me until recently. I looked back at my life and realised I have been rather destructive to myself and in particular in relationships. My dad was not an altogether abusive man but on occasion was physically abusive to my mum. My mum was not an overall manipulator but could be manipulative. It is easy for me to see why they are not together now when I look at them both. They are both remarried and happy. Furthermore, they are all friends which is nice to see, though it has taken them twenty years to get there.
As I always wanted to feel accepted and wanted, I became sexually active at 15. By the time I was 17 I was pregnant, to a boy from school. He became abusive and manipulating and I let it all happen. Getting pregnant was actually the saving grace as it gave me the strength to end the relationship as I did not want my child growing up around this man. In short, he kidnapped me, he abused me both physically and mentally, he stole off me and he cheated on me with numerous other girls and even one of my ‘friends’. I did not know at the time but he was also an alcoholic and a drug user, who was also struggling with coming to terms he was bi-sexual. Not that this gave him the right to treat me in the way he did.
After I had my child I met someone who was doing well for themselves and was extremely good looking. He even helped me look after my child. At first things were great, we shared lots of great times. But eventually the relationship fell apart. He became very controlling and rather manipulative and I felt trapped. I was 22 but felt like 32 (I am 33 now and I felt older then than I do now!) I still see this man as he still has contact with my child and for that I will always be thankful. But what I had done was let another man look after me and do everything for me.
To be honest looking back I am not surprised I met someone else. Not only were there issues in my relationship with control generally taking each other for granted, probably due to the fact we were very young and not really knowing how to deal with difficulties in the relationship. Additionally, I found it extremely difficult to communicate with my partner. I am not suprised at this either. Although I’ve always known my parents loved me, whilst I was growing up I was not really told that they did. I never heard the words ‘I love you.’ When I lived with my mum and dad, dad occasionally did not come home. I remember me asking mum one morning whilst in the kitchen where dad was and she told me he had gone to work early. Even at the young age of 8 or 9 years old I remember thinking ‘he did nt come home’. If my mum and dad had problems then they argued. I remember a lot of bickering and sniping, but I do not remember them being particularly happy.
I guess then in some way I had been programmed not to deal with issues and to retaliate by pushing people away, because I believed they were going to leave anyway. With hindsight I now know that this is what happened with this man. I did my best to push him away, as this was a barrier I had put up as I believed he would leave anyway. I could not fully open myself up to love him and I could not believe that someone actually loved me for me. We are actually engaged to be married and had bought a house together. We had everything and could have had more. I kept all the photographs from family holidays we had together and looking at them the other day I broke down in tears as we were actually in love. The way we were looking at each other in the photographs was so extremely touching and it is for this reason that I have kept them as I want my child to have these so they know that we did love each other once. In fact, I believe we still love each other now, but things have changed and us as people have changed also. If I had the tools to salvage that relationship at that time then I would have done. But obviously it was not meant to be.
I jumped from that relationship into another which initially gave me the freedom and excitement I was so desperately looking for. Unfortunately it turned out to be an extremely bad decision, but this I will discuss at another time as this is a very long story in itself.
It was only after I had to make some very brave decisions and walk away from this relationship. It was one of hardest things I have ever had to do. But it was only then that I began to actually find myself. Since my divorce three years ago I left my job, which I had not been happy in for over three years. I enrolled to do a degree I had always wanted to do, and got work at a local charity. I had desperately wanted to do a job where I felt I was making a difference to people for such a long time. I am still single, I am still studying and I am the happiest I have ever been. I have also taken this time whilst I have been single to reflect on past relationships and behaviours, as well as life events such as my parents divorce. I understand why I have acted in the way I have. I have forgiven myself for some of the things I have done. I have apologised to the relevant people for the way I have acted and I am ready to move on. One thing I realised is as my mum never said ‘I love you’ to me as a child I constantly say it to my children. My dad says it to me all the time, and I can easily reciprocate, but until recently I could never say it to my mum. Not because I did nt, but because we just never had. But mum if you ever read this please know one thing, I do love you with all my heart and now I am older I know that the words do not always have to be spoken.
Over the last couple of years I have had many discussions with my parents (separately of course) and I can see both sides of their story. I have also accepted certain things from my childhood and forgiven and let go.
I know I am of worth. I know I have grown up to be a good mum, a kind hearted person who does not judge others and always try to see the best in them. I have ambition and know I will get there. It may have taken me longer than I would have first envisioned but I know that anything is possible and I will keep going until I get where I want to be. So for all of you who have experienced set backs, losses and difficulties never give up, keep going because you will get there, even if the journey is long. If you are not at the happy ending then you are not at the end 🙂
I have been inspired to write about internet dating once again. I have just received two messages (from separate men) and once again, they have left me speechless!
I switched on my laptop this morning and logged into my account and when I noticed I have two new messages I got a slight burst of excitement. I say slight burst it was more likely a little twinkle which lasted a millisecond. The reason for this as I have been on this site now for quite a while and there really is only one or two gems on there, the rest are unfortunately, like bug lumps of coal or small uninteresting pebbles. But you never know…..I am a believer in fate and I think if it’s meant to be then you will come across your soul mate one day, whether that is whilst you are crossing over the street, in a supermarket, online or the more traditional ‘meeting in a bar’.
I clicked on the first message from the user ‘BigBalls1984’ I think the username should have given it away but I must admit I did not check the user name before I clicked on the message. The message read, and I quote:
“Hey there, I love your profile pictures you are hot! Have you ever considered becoming an escort? You can make loads of money and its really not a bad job, you get paid to take men out. What do you reckon?”
My intention clearly states on my profile ‘seeking a relationship’ but just to clarify, it is not a relationship of this type!
Next one looks more promising. I click on his profile photo, he looks lovely, dark hair, bright blue eyes and a nice, almost shy looking smile. There are three other pictures on his profile and they are all equally as nice. I read his profile and he seems nice, regular job, 5ft 11 inches (decent height though I prefer over 6 ft but I wont hold this against him). I click on his message and it read:
“Hi, you seem like a really nice, down to earth girl. Would you like to chat?”
I replied with a ‘yes’, why not, what have I got to lose, he actually seems nice and normal (this is important) so I replied:
“Hi, thank you for your message, you seem like a nice guy, what is a beautiful boy like you doing on a site like this?”
Well how I wish I had never asked…..
“Well, have you read the book 50 Shades of Grey? I am looking for a girl that is willing to train to become a submissive. Do you think this is something you would be interested in?”
“Erm, thank you for the offer but no thanks! Good look with your search”
This guy clearly has no idea who he is dealing with. I consider myself to be a free spirit, quite hedonistic if I am honest. To become a submissive for me would be like tearing off a birds wings and to finish it off, sticking it in a 4″x4″ box with no breathing space.
Well I guess my search for the one continues. I remain hopeful though. If nothing else the online dating is just an input of comedy in my life. I do not take it too seriously and I am lucky I have a good social life so I do not rely on it being the only way to meet people. Which is probably best, as unfortunately it would appear mostly the people on there are either desperate, obsessive,a time waster, a fake account, perverted or offering <ahem> a job in some way.
I would actually love to hear from anyone who has had success with online dating, as I am either doing something wrong or I am on the wrong site!
- Sell me your knickers! The Strangest Online Dating Request (blogizing.wordpress.com)
- Without a spark there is no fire (blogizing.wordpress.com)
A little while ago I received a proposition from a man on an internet dating site. This is not the only proposition I have had on there, and I must say the site generally seems to attract some very strange characters. However, maybe it is me which is naive, but I could not believe my eyes when the message read:
“Would you consider selling me your used underwear? I will pay up to £200 for three pairs all I ask is that I choose the type of underwear”
WHAT??? At first I really thought he was joking!
I never knew things like this existed, until I began a little research on the internet and could not believe it. I came across this site http://sellpantiesformoney.com/
The worrying thing is it gives you the option to sell your knickers, mentioning large amounts of money, but if you go further down the page it then begins to mention webcams etc. I can only assume that this is how some people can get lured into working within the porn industry. With so many people struggling financially and with people seeking fame more than ever I can see some girls will get pulled in. What is more concerning is, are people going on to dating sites to try and find vulnerable people? Luckily it is not something I would even consider, but I can imagine if you are strapped for cash and someone offers a large sum of money you may sell your soul and could end up regretting it later.
May I just clarify at this point that I am no prude and I know fetish and fantasies exist and mostly there is no problem with these. My point here is are people prying on the vulnerable to get them into an industry which they would not normally consider?
Not so long ago I began chatting to a guy on an online dating website. We chatted for a couple of weeks and one day he asked me to meet up with him. From his photographs he seemed a nice enough looking guy, he stated he was 6 feet tall and he had a good job etc, so on the face of it this man he great potential. As I am a tallish lady, some 5 feet 10 inches tall I absolutely LOVE a tall man. It is the security I feel when they hug you, almost like a ‘Tarzan and Jane’ moment.
Imagine my disappointment when the fella turned up looking distinctly older than he did on his photographs and about two inches shorter, he was the same height as me, and I was not wearing heels at the time (thank goodness!). I decided not to write him off just yet as sometimes you have to give people the chance and he seemed pleasant enough. We went for a drink and as soon as we went to sit down he sat in the single chair leaving me to sit on a bench type chair in the corner, not very polite and I do not like being shoved in a corner. As soon as I sat down he then got up and sat next to me on the bench style chair. As there was a table in front of me I now felt rather uncomfortable. However we soon began chatting about the messages we had sent and the conversations we had covered in those messages. Unfortunately after twenty minutes or so the conversation began to run dry. This is unusual for me as I can quite often fill any awkward silences with ease but something just did nt feel right. It confirmed things when he went to the toilet and upon his return he said:
Oh well you’ve not done a runner so that’s a bonus!
I began saying I needed to get home shortly as I had loads of things to sort out at home before work the next day. He proceeded to show me pictures of his family days out and the final picture of his mum with hot chocolate round her mouth and stuck to her teeth were pretty much the final straw. As I was about to make my excuses and go I received a text message. I could not believe it, it was from my date! I looked at him and he showed now emotion on his face at all so I presumed it was an old message which had come through late. I clicked it open and I could not believe my eyes. The message read:
I am dying to kiss you right now
I know we met online, but this man did realise that when you meet up you are supposed to be able to converse face to face orally as we are not still in cyberland…..did nt he? I looked at him again (more that likely with a look of horror on my face). At this point I really could not think of anything I would rather not do. I did not fancy him at all, there was no connection, no spark and to be honest he actually was starting to freak me out! Surely the absence of my response and the look I gave him was enough for him to understand that this was no the way to approach a situation. UNFORTUNATELY NOT!!!
He lunged towards me, and I did only what I could of done in this desperate situation-I grabbed the scarf that was around my neck, put it over my mouth and said:
NO, I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO!
My date looked wounded, like a child who’d been told off for stealing biscuits out of the tin. He replied “Really?”. Erm, let me think about this a minute………YES, REALLY! I had been hemmed into a corner, subjected to his family album and epic tedious stories about people, of whom I had no idea who they were, and to top it off a text message whilst he was sat next to me which if that was nt embarrassing enough, then having to create a way to not kiss him which did not go too well as I was in such a panic. Overall I think anyone would probably agree this was not a great first date! We sat there in silence for what felt like a life time in itself and all I could think about what what can I say to leave.
So……erm…..I’ve lots to do before work tomorrow, I am sorry but I need to leave
I managed in a slightly nervous squeaky voice.
As he was not familiar with the location we had met, I offered to walk him back to the train station. Although this was a terrible date I do not believe he was a bad person. He was just not for me and I could not just leave him stuck in the middle of nowhere as I would nt like that being done to me. We walked the two minutes over to the train station and when we arrived he invited me out for a date in two days time….really???? Are you kidding?! I politely responded with “I will let you know” and he then said:
Well I know this may not have been the best date but I have had a really great time. I know the timing was wrong with the kiss thing, but I think on the next date it wont be so awkward
Yes you are absolutely right mate, it wont be so awkward because there will never be a second date, not now and not ever. I politely said goodbye and left.
This was a harsh lesson learnt. I was an amateur online dater with just over three weeks experience. It is very easy to become carried away with chatting online, maybe covering topics you would not normally cover and creating a connection, thinking you have some much in common. The reality is, you can have as much in common with a person as you like, if there is no spark there, there is no fire! You cannot have a relationship with someone if there is nt that magic ingredient. No one knows what that is and currently there is no scientific way of calculating whether or not you will find that connection, that spark, that x-factor with another person. If you are going to date online my advice is this: Do not chat for too long (as you could be wasting valuable time) and arrange a date (in a public place, remember your safety!). Meeting them is the only way you will ever know! You could be a perfect match according to the online dating site, but what do they really take into consideration? My guess is, it is not your feelings or your heart or that connection. Online dating is a great way to be introduced to people and it does work for some, so by all means do it, you could be a lucky one. Just remember 1) Don’t fall in love with the online person because they may not be who they say they are (Think Catfish: The Movie, Catfish: The TV Show); 2) Meet – you need that connection; 3) Do not be afraid to meet because if it is meant to be then you will overcome any fear or awkwardness; 4) Follow your gut instinct at all times – if your initial reaction is to not meet do not do it. If you get the urge to leave whilst on the date the do it!
As for me, I have met a few more people and been a couple more dates, but I’ll leave those stories for another time!
- An example of Catfish (socialmediajemavikyopi.wordpress.com)
- “I’ve got another confession to make…” (ldndater.wordpress.com)
- Men who find online dating addictive. (theonlinedatingdiaries.wordpress.com)
- How To Find Men in Adultdatingwebsite For Relationship? (kimberlyqbrooks.wordpress.com)
- View N Me Online Dating Site Launched with Video Profiles and Online Webcam Speed Dating (geardiary.com)
- Date 2: The Rugby Player (eilidhlou.wordpress.com)
- Dear Your Boys, Part One (loveaddictnyc.com)