I have tried online dating on and off for two years. Not because I had trouble meeting anyone, but because the people I were meeting were not necessarily what I was looking for. At first I was full of excitement….receiving messages left, right and centre…it gave me something to concentrate on after my separation and I liked the attention, if I am honest with myself. I even met a couple of the guys I had been chatting with online. Well….I met three actually.
One was a lovely guy and we met a couple of times, despite messaging for a while before meeting up, it was still a nerve wrecking experience! But we got on fine, though the distance between us made things difficult. We still send the odd message now and again but there was not a strong enough connection to make either of us feel strongly enough about making a concerted effort to keep things moving in the dating direction. So I guess this one could be classed as a partial success.
The other two dates turned out to be strange….and that is putting it lightly. To be honest….I wish I had never gone. These were the type of people that had put pictures on the site which must have been photoshopped in some way or another….or taking in a light which was more favourable to their feature 😉 They both we much shorter than they had stated in their stats, and me being 5 ft 10 myself, find nothing less attractive than a man being shorter than me. I want a man to protect me and look after me, not the other way around! One suffered from a nervous twitch and despite me giving off signals I was not interested still tried to go in for a kiss which I have to say was quite possibly one of the most embarrassing situations I have been in….having to pull a scarf over my face whilst trying to duck out of the way!!! The other just kept talking about getting pissed and how he is usually at home by 10pm. WOW! I thought….I am a night owl. When I go out with friends….I am lucky to be in by 3am 😉 He had a nervous stutter which made it difficult to understand what he was saying most of the time and I did not find him stimulating in any ways shape or form…so much so I made my excuses and left after half an hour later!
The problem I have found with online dating is this…..in order to fancy someone you need the whole package. When you first see someone…you decide within seconds whether or not you are attracted to them. Its just nature, that is just the way it is. You dont just look at their face, you take in the whole of them….their height, their body frame, their face and other features, and more importantly their stance…the way they show how confident they are…or not! If you manage to muster up enough confidence to approach them and speak to them, then you listen to their voice. This is important, you need to find their voice attractive, light it flows through your body as they speak. You can feel the persons energy (some may call it an aura). There is no way you can do this through a computer/laptop/tablet/phone. It is like when on occasion you meet someone and you either really like them or do not for whatever reason, you just cant put your finger on it.
It does not matter how many photographs they put on the site, they are not a true representation in most cases. They are always the best of the best and they are not 3d, you cannot get a true representation from a flat photograph!
Maybe it is just the case that I am too much of a ‘feeler’ I am an ENFP (Myers Briggs Test) but I think intuition is a great thing to go by. If your body is telling you something listen to it, because it is usually right…in my experience anyway.
My advice would be to get out there, look at people, feel their energy, watch their gestures and movements. This tells you a lot about a person, more so than what they are selectively telling you at the other end of the internet.
I’m sure there are successful relationships which have arisen from online dating but on the whole, it is not for most people. They are probably the lucky small percentage who just fell lucky. I on the whole found internet dating rather soul destroying on one level…thinking christ is this what I am attracting. Another point about internet dating sites is…it is a complete minefield. It really is a place for lots of strange folk to hang out…..
My final point is this….the time I saved checking my account and speaking to people that it was never going to go anywhere with….because suddenly they dropped off the face of the Earth or told me they used to be a woman or are looking for someone to become an escort…(yes this happened)…I used the time to focus on things I actually wanted to do. Like going out with friends and having a good time…walking my lovely dog and doing other things I really enjoy…like writing this blog 😉
Good luck with your dating, there will be someone for you just around the corner. I waited two years to find what I was looking for, but I am so glad I waited….so glad I did nt compromise what I was looking for as now I am the happiest I have ever been.
Some days she finds it so hard to motivate herself….it can be past eleven before she can drag herself out of bed. She has little in her life which seems to inspire her but when she gets a sudden wave she knows she has to run with it, because it never lasts long. There is not much that seems to keep her interested. She is just floating along, in second gear, no up no downs, no excitement….almost feels like nothing…
It has not always been this way, she remembers the days when she felt a tingle of excitement at daily things which happened in her life, everything was colourful. She was happy and despite difficulties she always got through it. Sometimes she actually enjoyed the obstacles. She cannot pinpoint the day where she became stuck in second gear. She does not feel bad enough to be in first gear…crawling along at 10 mph, or worst still at a complete stop. But second gear, lets face it she is coasting. Coasting through life.
What happened to the girl that always flew through life at 60 miles per hour, living life in the fast lane. Full of ambition, knowing that what she wanted in life she would get….
That girl has not disappeared she is still here, and she is desperately trying to shift back up in gears. She is assessing her life and re-focusing her energies on what she wants. She will be back achieving what she wants in life, it may just take some time.
I WILL NOT GIVE UP
“The capacity to become depressed, to have a reactive depression, to mourn loss, is something that is not inborn nor is it an illness; it comes as an achievement of healthy emotional growth … the fact is that life itself is difﬁcult … probably the greatest suffering in the human world is the suffering of normal or healthy or mature persons … this is not generally recognized.” Donald Winnicott
We have been recommended a book to read….it’s called The Chimp Paradox by Dr. Steve Peters.
Here is what Amazon says about it:
“Do you sabotage your own happiness and success? Are you struggling to make sense of yourself? Do your emotions sometimes dictate your life?
The Chimp Paradox is an incredibly powerful mind management model that can help you become a happy, confident, healthier and more successful person. Prof Steve Peters explains the struggle that takes place within your mind and then shows how to apply this understanding to every area of your life so you can:
– Recognise how your mind is working
– Understand and manage your emotions and thoughts
– Manage yourself and become the person you would like to be
The Chimp Mind Management Model is based on scientific facts and principles, which have been simplified into a workable model for easy use. It will help you to develop yourself and give you the skills, for example, to remove anxiety, have confidence and choose your emotions. The book will do this by giving you an understanding of the way in which your mind works and how you can manage it. It will also help you to identify what is holding you back or preventing you from having a happier and more successful life.
Each chapter explains different aspects of how you function and highlights key facts for you to understand. There are also exercises for you to work with. By undertaking these exercises you will see immediate improvements in your daily living and, over time, you will develop emotional skills and practical habits that will help you to become the person that you want to be, and live the life that you want to live.”
We have decided to give it a go….as you get older you definately think about things more than what you did when you were younger. You think about what has happened in your past, how these things have shaped or affected you and sometimes everything can feel like it is crashing down all around it. It can become difficult to manage and you begin to suffer from things like anxiety for example. This is what happened to us after lots of major life changes happening in such a short space of time. If you can understand why you are feeling such a way it can help you deal with it, therefore we will give this book a good read and hope for the best. Blogizing will provide you with a full review once we have digested and practiced what is in the book.
Here are some reviews from people who have already read the book, and it all seems very positive. So fingers crossed eh! 🙂
Have you already read this book? Did it make a difference to your life? If so, in what way? We would love to hear from you…..feel free to leave your comments below!