Lingerie: Is it important to make an effort for your first sexual encounter?

She was nervous, this was the first time they were going to be together in this way and she was filled with anticipation.  She was excited for how today may turn out, but also worried, what if it was not any good.  They had been dating each other for five weeks and spent quite a lot of time getting to know each other.  This time it felt different from the other men she had met before.  She knew he liked her and found her hot, as he told her all the time.  But he never tried to force sex on her.  She wanted to make sure that the first time was special.  They had decided on having their first encounter in a hotel room as they did not want to be disturbed.   He had arranged the hotel and she was shocked.  She could not believe the one he had chosen, it was not your standard hotel.  A classy 5 star in the city centre.  Marble floors, huge chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, glass cabinets from floor to ceiling displaying expensive bottles of champagne.  As she walked into the foyer, there was the largest arrangement of tropical flowers in a huge black vase that she had ever seen.  Not a spot of dust anywhere.  She looked over to the right and saw a large group of men standing around.  She recognised one of the men, and realised it was the captain of the England football team.  On a normal day she would have been impressed, however today all she could think about was her gorgeous man.  Whilst she was in deep thought she felt someone touch her arm.  She looked left and saw him standing there, smiling at her, eyes twinkling in the light.  Every time she looked at him he took her breath away.  She had never fancied a man so much.  Of course she had experienced lust on every level, but usually after getting to know a man a little bit more the lust had slowly disappeared as they had turned out to not be as nice as she had expected.  However, this one was different.  He had always shown her every inch of respect she deserved.  It made a refreshing change.

He asked her if she would like to have dinner.  She smiled, looked down towards the marble floor and back up to his gorgeous brown eyes, slowly shook her head from side to side.  She put her hand gently behind the back of his head and slowly pulled his head towards hers.  She whispered into his ear “Let’s go to bed.” He did not need telling twice.

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It was her first time with her special man and she wanted him to remember it for the right reasons.  She searched high and low for the perfect lingerie and finally settled on a red number, something a little different to what she would normally go for, but she wanted him to remember the moment forever.

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http://www.e-lady.co.uk/anais-tin-tin.html  It was well worth the £29.99!

E-Lady is an online store offering lingerie, outfits, beachwear and sex toys, all at reasonable prices.  Check it out, give your partner something to remember! 😉

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I never knew he was missing from my life until I found him

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My Funny Valentine: Weekly Writing Challenge

Finally Seeking my Daniel Cleaver

http://www.theproblemismen.com/rants/badboys

I read an article this morning, and it really got me thinking. The link for the said article is above, check it out it’s a very interesting read although do me a favour…..wait until you have finished mine 😉

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Until fairly recently, I was one of those women that always chose a bad guy.  Bad guys ranging from down right little toe rags who eventually ended up in prison (thankfully after I had seen sense and had nothing else to do with them) to the ones who were emotionally unavailable and sometimes manipulative and abusive.  They generally were very hot (though not all were model look alikes), had an air of cockiness about them and nine times out of ten were great in bed. But all turned out to be the same, once they had me hooked they turned off the charm, the cockiness became arrogance and my pride and confidence once again dwindled.

It was not until I began studying Psychology that I began to consider why it was that I chose this particular type of man.  I could only watch on in envy as my girlfriends settled down with reliable, dependable men and built a life and a family together.  Instead I was left picking up the pieces of yet another failed ‘relationship’ where it had fallen apart because I was nt getting from it what I wanted.

Since my divorce in 2011, I began to look at what was going wrong. Previously it was all too easy for me to blame the man because he did this or that (or indeed he did nothing at all).  Coincidently this tied in with when I began my degree.  I began to learn about attachment and I quickly began to understand that the cause of my obsession with ‘bad boys’ developed due to the poor relationship with my father.  I loved my dad growing up, but due to the separation of my parents I did not see him that often.  In his past he was a bouncer and probably classed as a ‘bad boy’ himself and I really believe that I was looking for that, for some sort of compensation.

Since realising why I was always attracted to a certain type of man, I have taken the time to be on my own to work out what I really want.  Whilst taking this time, I must admit I developed quite an obsession with the likes of ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary just for the pure fact she also came to her senses by the time she was in her thirties and finally chose the ‘nice’ man.  The thing is the ‘nice’ man is the man that treats you right, who is emotionally available and wants to be with you.  The man who does not make you feel insecure, always second guessing whether you are together or what he is up to. It does not mean they are less appealing.  For this valentines I am pleased to say I have chosen a ‘Daniel Cleaver’.  He is a nice guy, he shows me interest, he is chasing me….but guess what he is also very good looking, very interesting, sexy as hell and the funniest guy I know!

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Related Article:

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/10/writing-challenge-valentine/?blogsub=confirmed#blog_subscription-3

Not Happy? It’s not the end

I was always perceived at school as a pretty and intelligent girl who was confident and not scared to stand up for herself.  The truth was I was shy and had very low self esteem. I constantly strived for approval from others and all I ever wanted was to be accepted.

I could never work out whether or not I was accepted and so I would do things that I would not necessarily do, and for that reason I have made some bad choices in my life.  Nothing which has ended me in prison or anything but nonetheless, if I knew what I know now things would have been very different.

My mum and dad divorced when I was 10.  I never thought it affected me until recently.  I looked back at my life and realised I have been rather destructive to myself and in  particular in relationships.  My dad was not an altogether abusive man but on occasion was physically abusive to my mum.  My mum was not an overall manipulator but could be manipulative.  It is easy for me to see why they are not together now when I look at them both.  They are both remarried and happy.  Furthermore, they are all friends which is nice to see, though it has taken them twenty years to get there.

As I always wanted to feel accepted and wanted, I became sexually active at 15.  By the time I was 17 I was pregnant, to a boy from school. He became abusive and manipulating and I let it all happen.  Getting pregnant was actually the saving grace as it gave me the strength to end the relationship as I did not want my child growing up around this man.  In short,  he kidnapped me, he abused me both physically and mentally, he stole off me and he cheated on me with numerous other girls and even one of my ‘friends’.  I did not know at the time but he was also an alcoholic and a drug user, who was also struggling with coming to terms he was bi-sexual. Not that this gave him the right to treat me in the way he did.

After I had my child I met someone who was doing well for themselves and was extremely good looking.  He even helped me look after my child.  At first things were great, we shared lots of great times.  But eventually the relationship fell apart.  He became very controlling and rather manipulative and I felt trapped.  I was 22 but felt like 32 (I am 33 now and I felt older then than I do now!) I still see this man as he still has contact with my child and for that I will always be thankful.  But what I had done was let another man look after me and do everything for me.

To be honest looking back I am not surprised I met someone else.  Not only were there issues in my relationship with control generally taking each other for granted, probably due to the fact we were very young and not really knowing how to deal with difficulties in the relationship.  Additionally, I found it extremely difficult to communicate with my partner.  I am not suprised at this either.  Although I’ve always known my parents loved me, whilst I was growing up I was not really told that they did.  I never heard the words ‘I love you.’ When I lived with my mum and dad, dad occasionally did not come home.  I remember me asking mum one morning whilst in the kitchen where dad was and she told me he had gone to work early.  Even at the young age of 8 or 9 years old I remember thinking ‘he did nt come home’. If my mum and dad had problems then they argued.  I remember a lot of bickering and sniping, but I do not remember them being particularly happy.

I guess then in some way I had been programmed not to deal with issues and to retaliate by pushing people away, because I believed they were going to leave anyway. With hindsight I now know that this is what happened with this man.  I did my best to push him away, as this was a barrier I had put up as I believed he would leave anyway.  I could not fully open myself up to love him and I could not believe that someone actually loved me for me.  We are actually engaged to be married and had bought a house together.  We had everything and could have had more.  I kept all the photographs from family holidays we had together and looking at them the other day I broke down in tears as we were actually in love.  The way we were looking at each other in the photographs was so extremely touching and it is for this reason that I have kept them as I want my child to have these so they know that we did love each other once.  In fact, I believe we still love each other now, but things have changed and us as people have changed also.  If I had the tools to salvage that relationship at that time then I would have done.  But obviously it was not meant to be.

I  jumped from that relationship into another which initially gave me the freedom and excitement I was so desperately looking for. Unfortunately it turned out to be an extremely bad decision, but this I will discuss at another time as this is a very long story in itself.

It was only after I had to make some very brave decisions and walk away from this relationship.  It was one of hardest things I have ever had to do.  But it was only then that I began to actually find myself.  Since my divorce three years ago I left my job, which I had not been happy in for over three years.  I enrolled to do a degree I had always wanted to do, and got work at a local charity.  I had desperately wanted to do a job where I felt I was making a difference to people for such a long time.  I am still single, I am still studying and I am the happiest I have ever been.  I have also taken this time whilst I have been single to reflect on past relationships and behaviours, as well as life events such as my parents divorce. I understand why I have acted in the way I have.  I have forgiven myself for some of the things I have done.  I have apologised to the relevant people for the way I have acted and I am ready to move on.  One thing I realised is as my mum never said ‘I love you’ to me as a child I constantly say it to my children.  My dad says it to me all the time, and I can easily reciprocate, but  until recently I could never say it to my mum.  Not because I did nt, but because we just never had. But mum if you ever read this please know one thing, I do love you with all my heart and now I am older I know that the words do not always have to be spoken.

Over the last couple of years I have had many discussions with my parents (separately of course) and I can see both sides of their story.  I have also accepted certain things from my childhood and forgiven and let go.

I know I am of worth.  I know I have grown up to be a good mum, a kind hearted person who does not judge others and always try to see the best in them.  I have ambition and know I will get there.  It may have taken me longer than I would have first envisioned but I know that anything is possible and I will keep going until I get where I want to be. So for all of you who have experienced set backs, losses and difficulties never give up, keep going because you will get there, even if the journey is long.  If you are not at the happy ending then you are not at the end 🙂

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Dating Do’s

The following are my own observations and findings whilst being in the dating game.  I am sure there will be many people who will disagree with some of the points.  I have to be honest when I say I would have been one of those people when I began to date again.  However, over the last two years I began to see what worked and what did not work.

rebound

Firstly I guess I should explain what I was looking for from a man.  If I was just looking for a man as in someone to start a relationship with and I was not bothered about their looks, their prospects, morals or anything else then you do not need to play the dating game.  All you need to do is find a man who is as desperate to settle down as you are.  It may work for a while and you will probably get some good times, but eventually it is likely to fall apart.  Not all the time, may I add.  Sometimes there is that freak couple you know that manages to stay together through all adversity.  But, generally, and in most cases, if you begin a relationship with someone for the wrong reasons then it is not likely to last the test of time.

When I first began dating again I did not know what I was looking for in a relationship.  I did not know what type of man I wanted, what qualities I was looking for-I just wanted a man-a replacement for the one I had just lost.  Let me point out that if this is the case with you now, it is OK to feel like this.  The reason you feel like this, no matter how much you want to disagree, is because you are not over your last relationship.  This is why it is very important that you actually date people.  Date as many people as you like whilst you begin to work out what is important to you.  As long as you are not leading people on then you are not doing anything wrong.

After I jumped straight into a relationship (and then pretty much straight back out again) with the first man that offered themselves I then started another relationship with a ‘fitty’.  A man who was a personal trainer that looked good from the outside, but had absolutely nothing going on in the inside.  His only topic of conversations were training at the gym and what he ate on a daily basis.  Needless to say, that relationship did not last very long either.  These two are just examples of how you begin to work out what is and is not important.

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These days, although looks matter to me, I do not seek high and low for the fittest man in the bar.  I am much more likely to be drawn towards someone with a great personality, someone who is considerate, that is an all round nice person, that can make me laugh.  I find at first that I do not even notice their clothes any more.  I would be lying if I said that I could date anyone as long as they could make me laugh, we nice to me etc, but that is not entirely true either.  There has to be a spark, but that spark can start from something other than looks.

It is important when dating for you to be the lady, and let him be the man.

lady

I am not the most feminine type, I do now and again venture to the pub with jeans and a t-shirt, trendy pumps and a bobble hat! It is not all about the clothes, it is not about wearing the shortest skirt or lowest top you can find.  It is about acting like a lady and doing lady things.  Let the man do their man things, one thing men love is to be needed. Don’t take advantage…..numerous requests every day are not going to go down well and he will eventually get fed up with you, no matter how much he liked you in the first place.

This one, I have realised is very important.  He needs to do the chasing.  If you chase him then there is no challenge, what is he working for? If he already has you then there is nothing for him to work towards and it is likely he will quickly lose interest.  which is what leads me to the next point before you get chance to ask…..

chasing

If he is interested he will contact you. If a man likes you he will get in touch with you.  He will make the effort because the thought of anyone else getting in there first will eventually tear him apart.  There is nothing a man likes less than to see the woman he wants on the arm of another man.

Remember, there is no rule for contact. It may take a few days, week or two…however long it takes, he has still thought of you.  Give him chance to miss you.  This has happened on so many occasions with me.  I’ve even managed to turn relationships around.  I started off being the chaser with one man.  We dated a few times and he then lost interest, probably because I was no longer a challenge to him.  So when he stopped contacting me, as hard as it was for me to do so, I stopped contacting him too.  Out of the blue about three weeks later he sent me a message.  Instead of replying straight away I replied the next day.  I think the fact that he had to wait for a response ignited some interest again.  He now contacts me regularly asking if I fancy meeting up, but as it happens I’ve since met someone who interests me more, so at the moment I am generally very busy 😉

Never tell him you love him first.  By all means, show him you are interested and show affection, but do not smother him.  Let him become attached to you first.  It is important, as once a man makes that connection with you its difficult to break it.  He has got to that point on his own without being pressurised by you or anyone else.  That way he realises his own emotions and feelings therefore less likely to become complacent and bored.

These points are obviously not a guarantee to having a perfect relationship, but they are more my findings from dating, and believe me, in some circumstances I have found out the hard way!

spark

Good luck.  In case you are not convinced, check out this article 🙂 http://metro.co.uk/2013/12/17/6-reasons-its-better-to-be-single-than-in-a-relationship-at-christmas-4226154/

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Who’s move is it first?

Technically who should ask who out? Is it the man or the woman? I was always under the impression it did not matter and being a confident girl I quite often the one to broach the subject.  However, as I have grown older, I realise it is actually a mans place to do so. Unfortunately this tradition appears to have gone out of the window a long time ago.

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In my opinion:

“He who dares…..WINS!!!”

You ve got to take a chance, ask her out.  I think from my past experience if you have to ask the guy out it technically does not seem to go anywhere because the relationship (if it progresses to that) has gotten off on the wrong foot, so to speak.  The man needs to take charge of the situation, assert his confidence (and charm) and woo that lady!  Note to ladies: the only men worth having, will only stick around if you make them ‘work’ for you.  Hand yourself on a plate, roll over like a cat having its belly tickled, offer no challenge and this ‘potential’ relationship is going nowhere.

There are of course things you can do to nudge the guy along gently into asking you out.  But if you really like this fella then do yourself a favour and sit patiently and wait (whilst giving out all the correct signals of course!) Yes I know, easier said than done.  All you need is a bit of flirting, eye contact, interest in him and his life, act confident, laugh and make him laugh etc, etc.  Hope you got all this ;).

I am a great believer in that if it is meant to happen then it will.  Do not waste your energy or time considering who should ask who.  Relationships are not supposed to be difficult or strained.  If it is right then it will flow and when something flows, it can only ever go in the right direction!

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