I walked into the room, heart pounding and mouth dry. The bright lights hurting my eyes as I walked down the corridor. I turned right down another long hallway. Each step becoming harder than the one before. My legs felt like jelly. My head was buzzing and I felt dizzy and sick. Eventually I saw Ward 9, I turned right and pulled open the heavy wooden door. I squirted on some antibacterial hand gel and rubbed it into my hands whilst walking towards the nurses desk. I cleared my throat and asked her where she was. I was directed down towards the end of the ward into the last room. There she lay in the bed, looking so tiny. Much smaller than usual. Her curly grey hair still looking perfect. She knew someone was there but she did nt know who it was as her eyes were severely affected by cataracts. I walked over to the bed, took her hand and said “Hello Grandma”. “Hello love” she managed. She knew who I was. My grandma and I had a close relationship. I sat next to her and stroked her hair. I tried to speak to her without letting her know how upset I was. The nurse came in and I asked her how she had been over night. “She has been quite stable” she said. “She looks much better today” I said, trying to be optimistic. The nurse smiled at me but said nothing, and then carried about her business. I kissed my grandma on the cheek and said “I will see you later grandma, I will be back later, I promise.” “OK” she croaked whilst managing a smile and nodding slowly.
Some days she finds it so hard to motivate herself….it can be past eleven before she can drag herself out of bed. She has little in her life which seems to inspire her but when she gets a sudden wave she knows she has to run with it, because it never lasts long. There is not much that seems to keep her interested. She is just floating along, in second gear, no up no downs, no excitement….almost feels like nothing…
It has not always been this way, she remembers the days when she felt a tingle of excitement at daily things which happened in her life, everything was colourful. She was happy and despite difficulties she always got through it. Sometimes she actually enjoyed the obstacles. She cannot pinpoint the day where she became stuck in second gear. She does not feel bad enough to be in first gear…crawling along at 10 mph, or worst still at a complete stop. But second gear, lets face it she is coasting. Coasting through life.
What happened to the girl that always flew through life at 60 miles per hour, living life in the fast lane. Full of ambition, knowing that what she wanted in life she would get….
That girl has not disappeared she is still here, and she is desperately trying to shift back up in gears. She is assessing her life and re-focusing her energies on what she wants. She will be back achieving what she wants in life, it may just take some time.
I WILL NOT GIVE UP
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