Tu me manques….you are missing from me

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My Grandma: The biggest impact

I walked into the room, heart pounding and mouth dry.  The bright lights hurting my eyes as I walked down the corridor.  I turned right down another long hallway.  Each step becoming harder than the one before.  My legs felt like jelly.  My head was buzzing and I felt dizzy and sick.  Eventually I saw Ward 9, I turned right and pulled open the heavy wooden door.  I squirted on some antibacterial hand gel and rubbed it into my hands whilst walking towards the nurses desk.  I cleared my throat and asked her where she was.  I was directed down towards the end of the ward into the last room.  There she lay in the bed, looking so tiny.  Much smaller than usual.  Her curly grey hair still looking perfect.  She knew someone was there but she did nt know who it was as her eyes were severely affected by cataracts. I walked over to the bed, took her hand and said “Hello Grandma”.  “Hello love” she managed. She knew who I was.  My grandma and I had a close relationship.  I sat next to her and stroked her hair.  I tried to speak to her without letting her know how upset I was.  The nurse came in and I asked her how she had been over night.  “She has been quite stable” she said.  “She looks much better today” I said, trying to be optimistic.  The nurse smiled at me but said nothing, and then carried about her business.  I kissed my grandma on the cheek and said “I will see you later grandma, I will be back later, I promise.”  “OK” she croaked whilst managing a smile and nodding slowly.

I walked out of the ward with the intention of going to the canteen for a cup of coffee.  I was tired.  I had not had much sleep as I had been worried about my grandma.  I reached a chair in one of the corridors and decided to sit down. I began thinking of all the things we had done together.  The holidays we had been on. The time in Ibiza when she sat on a wall with white trousers on and when she stood up they were red, she was covered in ants!

As a child I often stayed with her on a weekend.  I loved going. I loved walking her dog, Snowy, up and down the cobbled back street. The same street my uncle, (only 9 years older than me, he was the youngest of her children), had taught me to ride a bike on an adult full sized BMX when aged only 8 years old.  I could not even touch the floor and had to balance the bike against the wall to climb on!  In school holidays I remember being looked after by my grandma with my siblings and cousins.  My Grandma’s cooking was the best, macaroni cheese and homemade chips was my favourite.

I used to sit on the sofa in her living room and watch TV, all snuggled up with her woolen Scottish tartan blanket. One time I was laid on the floor in front of the hot fire watching my favourite TV program after school, my grandma downstairs cooking tea.  All of a sudden a little white mouse ran across the front of me from behind her glass cabinet which stored all her trinkets and ornaments bought for her over the years by her children and grandchildren. I remember thinking it was cute, but I screamed anyway. I remember grandma telling me not to be scared and to think how scared the poor little mouse was seeing me on the floor, as I was a lot bigger than the mouse! That made me laugh.

Every Christmas day was spent at grandma’s with all my aunts, uncles and cousins.  One year all 11 grandchildren lined up and we sang “Grandma we love you”.

A more recent memory of 5 or 6 years before floated back, when grandma has made me a royal blue and bottle green tartan pinafore dress.  I remember being stood in her front room whilst trying on my new dress.  Her laughing at me when I said I had ‘boobies’ telling me they were like ‘fried eggs’.  I was only 12, and my grandma was a 40DD bra size.  I can see now why she found it so funny.

She was how grandmas are supposed to be.  She made and repaired things, clothes etc, she cooked and she cleaned, she treated us to presents and fed us lots of biscuits and cakes.  My grandma was from Scotland but she was far from the stereotype of being stingy with money,  she was the exact opposite, and in fact the most generous person I knew.

Just then my mobile rang. It was my uncle asking me to go back to the ward as the doctor wanted to speak with me. When I arrived, I was lead into a side room and I sat down on one of the chairs.  My uncle was there, he looked at me and instead of talking he began to cry.  I had never seen my uncle cry before.  It was hard to see, a 6 ft 4 inch stocky man, eyes red from the tears, looking heart broken.  I looked at the floor and said “has she gone?” “No, but she is not well”. Managed my uncle, at that point he broke down again.  “We have tried to give her another blood transfusion but nothing is working for her any more.  I am sorry but it is only a matter of time now.”  I stared at the doctor as the words fell out of his mouth, like lead to the floor.  Each word washing over me, but it did not really sink in. All I could think was ‘that’s it, she is going.’  I dropped to my knees and I cried, harder than I had ever cried before. Even when my mum and dad divorced, I do not remember crying so hard. heart ached, I felt like my world was falling apart around me.  My grandma was like a second mum to me.  In fact I told my grandma things I could not speak to my mum about.  My grandma had looked after my first child, which I had when I was only 17.  My grandma never judged me, she did nothing but support me.  She took me and my son on trips with her Pensioners Club to the seaside.  My son adored her, he used to help her do the gardening and loved hanging the washing out on the line with her, she made it fun. She even played football with him in the garden, despite her having a double hip replacement only a couple of years previously.  She was one person that my son would do absolutely anything for.

I stopped crying and wiped away the tears. “I want to see her.” I said as I walked out of the side room and into hers.  My grandma was laid in bed asleep.  “Hi grandma” I said.  “Hello dear” she managed quietly.  A tear ran down my cheek.  “Are you ok?” I said.  She nodded and smiled.  I sat next to her, perched on the bed and held her hand. “I love you grandma” I said.  “I love you too.” She replied.  I stroked her hair and kissed her forehead and said “I’ll see you again soon grandma.” She looked in my direction, but I know she would nt have been able to see my face because of her cataracts, but she stared in my direction, smiled at me and said “yes”.  The doctor had n’t said anything to her, but I knew she could tell that this was the last time we were to see each other, in this life time.  I hugged her tight and kissed her again on the cheek and with that I let go of her hand, I turned and began to walk away.  Tears streaming down my face I turned to look at her one last time. She had closed her eyes and looked peaceful with a smile on her face.  I smiled back and whispered “love you grandma, I will see you again.” At that moment I thought in my head ‘Please angels take good care of her, she is so precious.’

I turned and walked down the corridor.  As I reached the door I heard the nurses rushing, I turned around and saw them heading towards the end room. I knew that was it, she was gone.  I walked out of the hospital and sat in my car. I held between my palms the little reindeer broach my grandma had given to me, just before she had gone into hospital. That was 6 years ago.  I still speak to her on a daily basis and keep that reindeer close.  To anyone else that reindeer is nt worth anything else, it is nt made from gold or any other precious metal, but it was my grandmother’s. I had bought it for her one Christmas when I was 11 years old with my pocket money from the local market.  She had kept it all those years, until I was 27.  That meant so much to me.  I will always have a bond with my grandma and even though physically she is not here, I know she is around.

My final tribute to grandma was the song I chose for her funeral. “Grandma we love you” by St Winifred’s Choir. That seemed like the only choice for me.

“One day grandma I will see you again, that day will be when the angels are also looking after me. But until then I will keep close to me the only thing I have left, our memories.”

Chris Martin & Gwyneth Paltrow: Consciously Uncoupled

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/news/gwyneth-paltrow-and-chris-martin-to-split-after-more-than-10-years-of-marriage-9215633.html

After ten years of marriage, Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have announced they are to bring their marriage to an end.  They have stated that over the past year they have been working hard to live some of it together and some of it apart.  They have now worked out that they are not to be together as a couple but they will remain as a family.  They go on to say that they still love each other and in some respects are closer than ever.

What do you think of this statement? I personally think if they do manage to get along and still spend time as a family with their children then this is admirable.  Many people may argue that if this arrangement was for the sake of their children then maybe they should have stayed together for the sake of them.  I disagree with this stance.  Children know when their parents are happy.  Children benefit much more from two happy parents than spending time in one miserable and unhappy home.

I hope this arrangement works out for them.  I would have given anything for things to have been amicable between my ex (father to my children) and I.  It was never a possibility for me as my ex did not even wish to communicate with me for the sake of my children, never mind spend time as a family.

Good luck to them, I say!  And for those that say ‘what a shame’ and ‘no one seems to last long these days’ I would respond with this: Ten years of marriage is admirable, it is a long time in anyone’s life, around one eighth or so.  To commit to a person for this amount of time is in itself an achievement.  Not much lasts forever, it is not the way of life, everything changes and evolves.  People also change, we are not immune to this.  If one changes and becomes so different to the other, it is unusual for them to break away and find a place they feel they fit, with another or others they feel at home with and where they belong.   Life is too short to be unhappy.  To be happy is not a selfish act.  To remain in a unhealthy relationship or situation is a tragedy and a waste of the life you have been given.

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Blogizing: Signs of Emotional Abuse “It will never happen to me”


Emotional Abuse is not something which is easy to recognise.  I was involved in an emotionally abusive relationship for five years in total, I was married to him and had two children with him.  I did not realise at the time that the relationship was abusive.  I thought we just had a ‘roller coaster’ of a relationship and there was so many ups and downs because we were passionate about the relationship an really loved each other.  That is what he told me anyway………

Many people think someone in an abusive relationship is in denial, but in actual fact most do not realise there is a problem.  They are not burying their head in the sand or covering up for them…..they just DO NOT relate themselves to being in an abusive relationship. Full Stop. 

Abuse is usually something which is thought to be physical….something which can be seen….marks on the body for example.  It is also important to remember that abuse of any type is not limited to a male abusing a female.  Abuse happens in same sex relationships and some females abuse males. We need to learn to pick up signs of emotional abuse, whether this is for yourself or someone else.  Emotional abuse is something which is more difficult to pin point as there are often no signs.  At first things are great and then one day something happens but because you are hoping that this person is ‘THE ONE’ you are looking at them with rose tinted spectacles!  You will justify their behaviour in your own mind with things like ‘they ve just had a bad day’ or ‘they are nice to me all the other times, they do not mean it.’ Every time you smooth over a situation and let your partner get away with the unacceptable behaviour the next time it is likely to be worse, it is a steady decline.  The power they feel makes them want more and more.  They will no doubt apologise, they may buy you gifts, take you somewhere nice to make up for their behaviour.  Some will cry telling you how bad they feel… (this means that they are sorry….does n’t it?) HELL NO!!! You could not be further from the truth.  They are simply manipulating you into feeling sorry for them, transferring the guilt on to you, and over time ‘chipping away’ at you, slowly unpicking your personality, stripping you of your charisma self-esteem and independence, simply so they can control you and you will be totally dependent upon them.  They will suck out your ambition, crush your spirit and stamp on your feelings.  They will rule you with an iron fist.

“This won’t happen to me” I hear you say……. THAT’S WHAT I SAID……But it happened to me.

I did not realise it, my family did not realise it (in fact he even managed to turn some of my family against me) and it was only thank you to a caring work colleague who one day took me to one side and said “This is emotional abuse, he is doing all he can to try and break you down….” That was the day when the penny dropped.  That was the beginning of the rest of my life. So what are some of the signs of EMOTIONAL abuse?

1. THEY WANT YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION 24/7 This sounds great does nt it.  When you first get together it is normal to want to spend time together.  But if they drop all his friends and stop doing the normal things like their hobbies etc, your relationship may be going in the wrong direction.  If you feel you do not have much time for yourself, or your friends or family, and feel that you cannot do the things you normally would do as you do not want to upset your partner then your partner is probably trying to control you. This may seem dramatic….but think to 6 months or so down the line, when you are constantly attached to each others hip, and your friends or family no longer invite you to do things as they know your answer will be ‘no’. How will you feel when you realise that the only person you have is your partner?  Probably fine…..until something goes wrong and you feel lonely and stuck.  Is this really how a relationship should feel? “I had a little boy when I met my ex, I did n’t realise at the time, but my partner was extremely jealous of my little boy and tried to push him out.  He not only emotionally abused me but he emotionally abused my son too.  that is something I find difficult to deal with and it has taken a long time for me to forgive myself.  Luckily my son is growing up to be a good level headed young man, of whom I am very proud of.  It could have been a very different story.”

2. THEY ACT LIKE A DICTATOR AND MAKE ALL THE RULES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP They do not want you to hang out with your mates, but it is fine for them to do what they want…..they will complain that they do not like your friends, saying they are a bad influence or are too slutty or they do not trust them.  They hate your best friend (probably because they are trying to indicate your partner is controlling….).  Does this sound familiar?  How about this: They do not like the clothes you wear, always choose what you are doing, what you are eating, what you are drinking…. “My ex hated my best friend.  He was very clever as he managed to turn things around so that I felt sorry for him and I ended up not seeing my best friend for over two years. I never fell out with her we just eventually lost touch.  She was frustrated because all she wanted for me was to be happy and to be with someone who treated me right.  I was so in love with him that I could not see the tree for the woods. Looking back he was always controlling, very clever and calculating and in the end I paid the price.  Luckily my best friend and I are now back in touch and things are as they always were.  We are always here for each other.  We may not see each other from one week to the next, but we share a bond which has always been present from the day we first met at nursery at the age of just three years old.  That bond will never be broken.  The day we reunited we picked up from where we left off. I was lucky but many people would have lost that friend for good.”

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3. THEY ISOLATE YOU FROM PEOPLE THAT YOU LOVE This related to the point above, but goes a little step further as it moves from telling you that they do not like your friends, family etc to then actually managing to stop you from seeing them.  You will stop going out with friends so that they stop accusing you of cheating.  You will stop seeing your parents to avoid you getting backlash from your partner because ‘you stayed too long’ or ‘you said something wrong.’  Your partner creates situations to try and force you to choose between them and your friends/family.  You should be able to talk to and spend time with people you like without having to justify yourself. “My ex used to insinuate that my parents had said something horrible about me to them, such as “they say you are out of control” or “well that’s not what they ve said.” but would never elaborate, leaving me to stew.  This allowed me the time to create whatever situation my brain wanted.  It left me feeling like I could no trust anyone.”

4. THEY ‘RE TAKING AWAY YOUR FREEDOM AND NEED TO KNOW YOUR EVERY MOVE A really bad sign of an emotionally abusive relationship is if your boyfriend demands that you tell him details like where you are going, what you are doing and who you are with. He gets mad whenever you do something without telling him. If you do not tell them, then they will do all they can to find out. They cannot deal with not knowing! “My ex went so far as to check my phone and social media accounts, he would log in as me and response to message as if it was me.  It was only when friends responded saying things like “What are you talking about?” that I would realise what they had done.  My ex once even text a work colleague pretending to be me, saying something along the lines of “Great night last night, can’t wait to see you again.”  The colleague asked me what was going on.  Although it was extremely embarrassing I am so glad that he did, as I was able to prove the message was not from me as it was from another number (and it made no sense anyway as I was not with them the night before) but I also have a very good indication of who it was…..”

5. THEY USE THE SILENT TREATMENT TO PUNISH YOU An emotionally abusive guy will refuse to answer text messages, phone calls and e-mails when he gets mad at you. He won’t tell you the reasons that he is mad at you either. Instead, he’ll just disappear off the face of the earth until he feels that you have been punished enough. “My ex ignored me for weeks on end.  We lived together and the atmosphere was unbearable.  It was only once he could see I was at breaking point that he would then offer ‘an olive branch’, a cuddle, a kiss….but never a sorry.  That was my job!”

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6. THEY PUT YOU DOWN AND HURT YOUR FEELINGS “He would call me ‘fat’, ‘ugly’, ‘manipulative’, ‘horrible’, ‘bad mum’ etc etc, anything he knew that was important to me, he would pick at. I now know that he put me down so that he had control over me.” An emotionally abusive guy will accuse you of making a big deal out of nothing when you tell him he’s being hurtful. (Like my ex who always used to say ‘oh as normal you are making a mountain out of a molehill’, or ‘you are such a drama queen, get a grip.’)  This type of person is so insecure of themselves that they need to lower your self-esteem to ensure that you always stay with them.

7. THEY ARE EXTREMELY JEALOUS….OF ANYONE IN PARTICULAR FRIENDS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX When you are out together, they constantly accuse you of looking at other people. They will accuse you of trying to make them jealous whenever you dress sexy. They do not let you wear sexy clothes like a little summer mini dress or (men) taking your top off to show your abs!  “My ex used to tell me that I looked better without make up and did not want me wearing shorts or short skirts telling me I looked like a slut.”

8. THEY HAVE NO LIMITS Some emotional abusers are drug/alcohol dependent and will often put their addictions before you.  This will bring out the worst in them and will often be when they are at their worst.

9. HE INSTILLS FEAR IN YOU Most healthy romantic relationships offer support and security.  “I never felt secure and I never felt supported.  This only made me try and get more affection from him by trying to please him more.” You should feel comfortable in being able to talk to your partner about anything without having to worry about what their reaction is going to be.  whatever I discussed with my ex, he would turn it back on me so that I was the person who was at fault.  “Why are you always playing victim!” Would be a favourite statement of his.  You and your partner should be able to accept each other for who you are.  If your partner instils fear by threatening or intimidating you to the point where you hesitate to do things without your partner’s approval, it is time to re-evaluate the relationship.  I would in fact suggest ‘getting out’.

10. HE LOWERS YOUR SELF-ESTEEM What do you think when you imagine your favourite partner.  Mine make me feel like I am the only woman in the world, they make me feel beautiful, they build you up, they hug you and make you feel loved.  If they begin to make you feel like nothing, you start to doubt who you are and what you are worth, or being to feel like you have nothing to offer and are worthless, then your partner is not having the effect on you that they should and it is time to re-consider.

11. HE TREATS YOUR LIKE PROPERTY You know that it is time to end an emotionally abusive relationship when you no longer feel like you have any input in it. Your partner only cares about self-preservation and uses you to benefit himself or herself. There is no “we” in your relationship, it is solely based on the interests of one person. And we all know that that is not how things should work out.

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12. ROLLER-COASTER RELATIONSHIP If there is never a constant in your relationship and you never know what to expect from it, it would be categorized as unhealthy. Although it is typical for couples to go through their ups and downs, cyclical highs and lows should not become a pattern. Once you get into a habit of severe fights followed by make ups, you will never gain stability. This erratic relationship can only result in lots of stress and heartbreaks. “From the start we used to argue and fall out, he would throw me out of the house, and then in a few hours we would make up.  He would justify it by telling me that his friend had said ‘It is the day when you stop fighting that you should worry, as that is when you feel you have nothing to fight for.’  Another favourite: ‘It is only because we love each other so much that we argue.’

13.  THEY USE GUILT TO GET WHAT THEY WANT “If I was ever due to go anywhere whether with friends or family, my ex would write me letters insinuating that he was going to harm himself then take off in his car.  He would go missing for hours.  He would nt answer my calls or texts and would often turn off his mobile, only returning after ensuring I had missed my prior arrangement or just beforehand telling me I could go, knowing full well I would not go as I was not ready and was too upset to do so. If it was ever brought up in a later argument he would tell me ‘well I told you to go!’

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You are worth so much more. 

Your life is valuable. 

It is a gift.  

It is your duty to grasp it with both hands. 

Enjoy it.

Do not allow anyone to take this gift away from you.

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Related Articles:

Blogizing: What is a Healthy Relationship?

Blogizing: Manipulation

Blogizing: Domestic Violence by a Female: It’s still abuse!

Lingerie: Is it important to make an effort for your first sexual encounter?

She was nervous, this was the first time they were going to be together in this way and she was filled with anticipation.  She was excited for how today may turn out, but also worried, what if it was not any good.  They had been dating each other for five weeks and spent quite a lot of time getting to know each other.  This time it felt different from the other men she had met before.  She knew he liked her and found her hot, as he told her all the time.  But he never tried to force sex on her.  She wanted to make sure that the first time was special.  They had decided on having their first encounter in a hotel room as they did not want to be disturbed.   He had arranged the hotel and she was shocked.  She could not believe the one he had chosen, it was not your standard hotel.  A classy 5 star in the city centre.  Marble floors, huge chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, glass cabinets from floor to ceiling displaying expensive bottles of champagne.  As she walked into the foyer, there was the largest arrangement of tropical flowers in a huge black vase that she had ever seen.  Not a spot of dust anywhere.  She looked over to the right and saw a large group of men standing around.  She recognised one of the men, and realised it was the captain of the England football team.  On a normal day she would have been impressed, however today all she could think about was her gorgeous man.  Whilst she was in deep thought she felt someone touch her arm.  She looked left and saw him standing there, smiling at her, eyes twinkling in the light.  Every time she looked at him he took her breath away.  She had never fancied a man so much.  Of course she had experienced lust on every level, but usually after getting to know a man a little bit more the lust had slowly disappeared as they had turned out to not be as nice as she had expected.  However, this one was different.  He had always shown her every inch of respect she deserved.  It made a refreshing change.

He asked her if she would like to have dinner.  She smiled, looked down towards the marble floor and back up to his gorgeous brown eyes, slowly shook her head from side to side.  She put her hand gently behind the back of his head and slowly pulled his head towards hers.  She whispered into his ear “Let’s go to bed.” He did not need telling twice.

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It was her first time with her special man and she wanted him to remember it for the right reasons.  She searched high and low for the perfect lingerie and finally settled on a red number, something a little different to what she would normally go for, but she wanted him to remember the moment forever.

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http://www.e-lady.co.uk/anais-tin-tin.html  It was well worth the £29.99!

E-Lady is an online store offering lingerie, outfits, beachwear and sex toys, all at reasonable prices.  Check it out, give your partner something to remember! 😉

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I never knew he was missing from my life until I found him

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