January…..a month to retreat

No one loves a party more than I do.  I have not had a weekend off from socialising since February last year.  Add all these parties to festivals and club nights as well as the obligatory wedding celebrations and birthday meals you could say I have had a pretty full on year.  In all honesty though this is how I like it!  I am lucky that I have such a wide circle of friends.  For this reason it is very rare that nothing is going on and sometimes I often struggle to fit everything in.  However, It has not always been this way.

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Following my divorce I was often left sat in on my own with nothing to do.  Majority of my other friends were all either happily married or in relationships, off doing ‘couple-y’ things.  It was difficult, especially when all I wanted to do was go out, socialise and forget the misery I was currently enduring.  So I had to take things into my own hands!  Luckily for me, I do not find socialising difficult so I used to sit in on a Saturday night with a bottle of wine and once I had finished that I used to head into town on my own and see who was out that I knew.  I often would make up some story that I had been out with friends and I could not find them.  As it was often late, around 12am, most people were drunk enough to not really think much about whether my story was actually legit or not! So more often than not I would be able to have a full night out with my new ‘friends’.  I have met so many people in this way.  You should not be afraid to meet people in this way.  At first I felt that I was being an inconvenience but what I actually realised was I did not have enough confidence in the human race.  When our guards are down and we are out having fun most of us are actually very nice people!

The past year has been amazing, I have attended two hen weekends, two weddings, an awesome festival, numerous club nights, lots of birthdays and other celebrations, a holiday with friends abroad and a holiday with the children.  I have not had a free weekend since last February.

This Christmas has been a double edged sword.  I have had a lovely time and spent time with family and friends but Christmas day for me is always difficult.  Trying to keep everyone happy when you have to also accommodate the ex, when he is particularly difficult sometimes, is the hard thing.  You cannot help it, but it affects the day, especially when you cannot wake up on Christmas day with your babies watching their excited faces opening their presents.  It also highlights to me the people who are no longer here….in particular my grandma, whom I was very close to and miss every day.  In any event though it is truly the party season with lots of parties and drinking.  This was topped off with the best New Years Eve ever which did not end until New Years Day.

For this reason, it is time for me to take a little time to take stock of all that has happened over the last year.  I have grown so much as a person.  I have pushed boundaries and at the age of 33 actually feel like I am finding who I am, and I make no apologies for who I am either.  I am so grateful for my life and the people in it, old and new.  For the next few weeks I am going to be nice to myself, take time out of the party scene, detox, take walks and spend time in nature. Eat lovely food and watch films and read books.  I have loved every minute and I will miss this party lifestyle over the next few weeks but I need to recuperate and recover, I want to be fighting fit for the upcoming festival and party season and I know come the last Saturday of January is the day that it will all start again.

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I am so excited for what 2014 has to offer me, and at the time though I thought my divorce was a terrible thing, it was in fact the opposite as I have been allowed the space to grow and I once again feel like myself, the adventurous, courageous and confident female I was before.  No matter how difficult life gets, keep going, see it as an adventure, as there is always something great around the corner.

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B.

A sneaky kind of love

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God…..you have to wonder sometimes where feelings come from don’t you! There is this man that I’ve known for a little over six months.  When I first met him I did not really fancy him, though I enjoyed spending time with him.  However I (unintentionally) upset him when I met another man on one of our group nights out.  I guess I did n’t realise how much he liked me and I really thought the relationship was purely platonic. We did nt speak much for a while but have been on speaking terms again recently.  Saturday night we went to all went to a club and this time things felt different.  While we were talking there were a few things which he said that made me realise what a nice guy he actually is, and I kind of find him cute.  There is something really sincere about him and I really like that.  He looked after me in the club and after there we moved on to a party.

It was nice to spend more time with him.  It was getting late and I needed to go home, mainly because I do not like my neighbours seeing me come in after sunrise! I ordered a taxi and the boy came with me.  I’d explained I was not going to sleep with him but I was happy to chill with him for a while.  We left and as we approached my house the sun was actually beginning to rise.  It was a beautiful morning, the clouds a glowing orange from the rising sun.  Sat next to this man, hand in hand in the taxi, my head rested on his shoulder I could not have felt more content.

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When we got in we put on the TV and cuddled and snoozed until mid afternoon.  After he had gone home I missed him.  I could nt tell whether this was because of the hangover or lack of sleep or whether it was true feelings.  Today I have missed him even more! I do not know what has happened to me, I am not usually like this and with fellas I tend to run a mile!  It is so strange that feelings can just come from practically nowhere.  I am not sure whether anything more will happen with this man or not.  I hope so, but I guess you never know how things are going to turn out so I do not want to get my hopes up.  I am a great believer that if things are meant to happen then they will, so no point in worrying about it.  In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy being myself doing the things I do and wait for the universe to sort things out for me 🙂

B.