Keep smiling even when everything is shit: Amongst the grey clouds are always rays of sunshine

Why do I always feel like I am at a crossroads? Why is my life constantly like a rollercoaster? All I want is an ‘easy’ life, a life where things can be constant and permanent just for a little while.  Just long enough for me to feel comfortable.  As soon as I start to feel like things are getting better something else goes wrong.  Is everyone else’s life like this or is it just mine?

I am not just feeling sorry for myself, I am not talking about minor things such as missing the bus or forgetting to put the bin out so I felt in a terrible mood for the rest of the day.  I mean, real terrible things happen.  I am beginning to think I am jinxed.

In the last two years here is a list of what has happened (though please be advised it is not limited to said list, as I also have the usual things like having to stop at every set of traffic lights, getting stuck behind a tractor when I am already late for work, forgetting my packed lunch in the fridge, noticing I am low on petrol and then realising I have also forgotten my purse at work etc so bear this in mind)  Anyhow…….list…here we go:

  • Not one but two of my aunt’s are seriously ill.  One collapsed with a serious throat action and is now permanently brain damaged, though has some independence at least.  My other aunt had a serious fall and is lucky to be alive, but has had numerous brain surgery and it is feared she will never have independence again. This second accident happened on my birthday.  Happy birthday me!!! (They will now never be the same)  This year I found my birthday extremely emotional, as I spent the morning at the cemetery talking to my grandma, and the rest of it thinking, it has been one year since my auntie’s accident and she is no better)
  • I have had two car accidents, both not my fault. Luckily no one was hurt, apart from my car.  It is the sheer inconvenience of it all….
  • My son was run over, and as a result broke both femurs, he is lucky to be alive, I am lucky he is still alive.  Quite possibly the most stressful thing which has happened in my life (and his).  This meant three months of intensive care getting him back on his feet.  He is on his way to recovery, albeit it has been a slow road.
  • My grandma died.  She was a very special person in my life.  I could go visit her, sit there all day and speak to her about anything.  I did not realise it at the time, but she was actually one of my favourite people.  She never annoyed me or upset me.  She was a great help with my children, she looked after me as a child, she was a constant permanent fixture, pretty much the only one, and now she has gone.
  • Related to above in incident of my grandma’s passing.  Quite possibly the second most upsetting day of my life (aside from my son being run over) was having to attend my grandma’s funeral.  In saying ‘having to attend’ I do not mean this as though I was forced, I would not have missed it for the world.  However it was extremely difficult saying good bye to someone I hoped would be there forever.   Love you grandma x
  • My children’s father appears to have taken up a sudden interest in pedophiles,  decides to post things about this subject on facebook and as a result put me in a situation where I have had to stop contact for the time being, until I am sure my children are safe, and in me doing so has made me feel like an absolute mega bitch. Then there is the added stress of having to deal with this family, who seem to be incapable of understanding why I am upset at his failure to safeguard my children.
  • My finances have seriously taken a turn for the worst.  I have done nothing differently, but with the increase of cost of living and decrease in help for working single parents it has all taken its toll and there is not much further I can go.
  • My health is suffering.  I am suffering from stress headaches, severe hayfever and now having to have treatment in the lady department to stop some naughty cells turning even naughtier.
  • And to top it off, I am still very, very single. Sigh……..

But as luck would have it, good things have happened in the last two years also, so at least rather than you getting a picture of just one steep drop on a very large roller coaster, you can now imagine a big dipper 😉

So yes it is very true, these last two years have been pretty trying, and would have been for any person.  But I am still smiling.  In the last year I have met some brilliant people, I have carved out a great social circle, I have gotten back in touch with some family members, I have reignited my love for art and creativity, I have rediscovered my freedom, my love for nature and walks in the woods, and my love for travel. I have discovered how lucky I am to have such great friends and family and a roof over my head, not to take things for granted and to be thankful for what I have.

“Amongst the dark clouds are always small rays of bright sunshine”i

 

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